Tag Archives: Woman

Hair Pride

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My hair once looked like these:

Cropped with china bangs

Cropped with china bangs

Faded with auburn color

Faded with auburn color


Baby dreads with color on tips

Baby dreads with color on tips


And these:
Faded Hair Gumby-style

Faded Hair Gumby-style


The Afro

The Afro


When I got grown, I was happy to wear my hair the way I wanted to, and took it to the hilt. When I was a child, I vowed that I would wear my hair the way I wanted to as soon as I could. This heart decision happened at four, when I was standing in my hall mirror watching my natural hair dry; my hairdresser wasn’t available that week so my hair was being done at home. “Oooo, ma, can’t I keep it,” I said as I admired my impending Afro, but my mama declared “Un, un. We gonna press that nappy” head. And press we did. Every two weeks where I also got two ponytails and a bang. Once, when I was five, I convinced my hairdresser to style me three ponytails instead of my regular two and a bang. My mother wasn’t having it. Two ponytails and a bang was how she could manage my hair in between two week appointments so when she arrived to pick me up she had Mrs. Barrow restyle my hair, after putting me in my place for deciding what I would do with my hair, and I wasn’t paying for it, and I was the child and the nerve I had…..

So from a young age I have wanted to wear my hair the way I wanted to wear my hair, and natural was at the top of the list. The pressing comb traumatized me, and I have always thought there was nothing wrong with kinky hair, even when my 5th grade boy nemesis said my hair was hard, and in 7th grade my arch girl rival (who I thought was my friend, BTW) compared her long flowing hair to my cropped mushroom by asking “How long is your hair?” as she stretched a few locks of mine while tousling hers. These incidents set the foundation for me eventually having pride in my hair. I was determined to do what I wanted to do and never let a mama, a Ronald or a Lauren make me feel bad for how I decided to wear my hair. I, like many of us women with hair woes, obsessed over my look, would pout when I didn’t like it and would try a new look just to stand out from my last style and among other women. God challenged me about this hair pride when I began wearing my hair locked 17 years ago. I’ll tell you about that the next time. In the meantime, does my story sound familiar? What are your hair war stories? I invite you to comment and look forward to the dialogue.

Copyright 2009 by Rhonda J. Smith

Carrier of Life

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Last week author Marilynn Griffith visited my blog and talked about motherhood pride. If we’ve ever had those moments when we thought our children were simply stellar, there may have been a time when you couldn’t always say that or there may come a time when you simply breakdown because it seems all your efforts are futile. Marilynn reminded us that even when you train your child “right,” you may be in for a few surprises from them. I wrote the following poem this week for my church’s women’s month to help us remember our God-given role as mothers. The night’s focus was “I Am a Mother,” and as mothers we should always keep in mind what Marilynn said: “(Children) are a gift from God given for your care (and feeding!) until God releases them into their destiny, which is the same as ours–to change the world for Christ.”
Carrier of Life
Copyright 2009 by Rhonda J. Smith

Spiritual Pride

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A few weeks ago I told you about a dry place I had been in. There was not the connection with God that I was used to having. I was going through the motions of prayer and reading the bible; there was no bible studying except for family devotions. I kept crying and crying out to God. I told you that He answered through my sister: Lose control, He commanded, so I knew that I was still trying to control something. The challenge from there was discovering what it was. Well, God told me recently, and it was an amazing truth that I have not wanted to accept: I was suffering from spiritual pride.

woman with bible

He showed me that my well-worn method of devotional time to get into and feel His presence had to be changed. I was doing the same things and not getting the same results. I was spiritually weak and God showed me that I had not been living (2 Corinthians 12:9). He told me that I had to stop relying on my methods and be weak so His strength would be made perfect. Of course I understood 2 Corinthians 12:9 intellectually. If I am being strong I get in the way of God’s strength doing all it needs to make my situation perfect. I have understood that God sometimes allows things in my life to cause me to buckle from their weight so that I become weak, forcing me to look up to Him. I have understood this intellectually. I thought I modeled this pretty well physically because I have allowed God to have His way in the many areas of pride where I’ve struggled; I was forced “not to exalt myself above measure” (2 Cor. 12:7).

I cut my locks, disconnected from groups, resisted engaging in certain conversations. I have given up some things that caused me to be boastful. But spiritual pride was not something I had ever thought I struggled with. One of my spiritual leaders had called me spiritually arrogant, but I denied it, couldn’t see it. And now God was showing me that spiritual arrogance—pride—had been the source of my spiritual wasteland experience. God allowed a thorn in my flesh—experiences to keep me spiritually weak—so that I could humble myself and allow His strength to be made perfect. What a startling revelation, one that I’m still accepting as my reality.Tune in for more to this. In the meantime, I still long for your pride experiences.
Copyright 2009 by Rhonda J. Smith

Pride

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This Mother’s Day I got treated to rest and dinner. My husband took care of my one-year-old all through church service and fulfilled most of our children’s demands throughout the weekend; I ate at my favorite restaurant (The Blue Nile, Ethiopian); and I finally watched the TD Jakes’ movie Not Easily Broken with Morris Chestnut and Taraji P. Henson.

For those of you who haven’t seen the movie, it’s about what happens to a married couple that doesn’t keep God at the center of the marriage. In this movie, selfish desires take precedence and allow bitterness and blame shifting to become basis of the couple’s interactions. Ultimately, pride is what keeps each of them from continually pursuing the other to make amends. But a conversation with her mother led the wife to a revelation of her complicity in destroying her marriage.

In defending why she encouraged her daughter to put her husband out of the house, her mother said: “Black women have to be strong and you know that.” “And in all your lessons about how I need to be strong and proud and independent, Mama, you left out some very important things. How to love, Mama. How to really care about somebody. How to forgive.” Oh, this struck a chord with me. My mama, too, like many of our mothers, gave us the reality lesson of the double struggle that comes with being black and a woman: People automatically discount your strengths so you have to work twice as hard to be considered half as good. And for me and others I know, this made us work more than twice as hard because we wanted to be considered more than half as good. This excellence, for me, resulted in pride. Not the kind that prompts you to have good self grooming and appreciate how God made you (this is good pride), but the kind that says, “I’m all that. I’d rather just do it myself to make sure it gets done right.” I became self-reliant and in my recovery, I have had to learn how to have God esteem, not self-esteem, and let people help me.

Pride has been my source of strength, my vice, for many years. We know that pride comes in many forms, and I have dealt with a good variety of them: intellectual pride, family pride, sorority pride, material pride, just to name a few (Yes, there are more. I will be delivered, in Jesus’ name). As I prepare to reveal my proud self in various areas of my life, tell me where you struggle with pride. How has pride been a hindrance for you? Talk to me.

Copyright 2009 by Rhonda J. Smith

Exalting Concepts

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For the last three weeks, I have challenged the thoughts of some iconic black women, one of whom is a favorite of mine. I didn’t do this to get a rise out of you or to slander them. I just believe that it’s imperative for this forum—one that seeks to challenge the notion of being a strong black woman—to challenge the ideas of people that have been held in high esteem, ideas that we may otherwise dismiss because we like the people or because we don’t want to “air our dirty laundry.” But air we must because dismissal is not an option (Ephesians 5:11, 13-14a).

I could continue to talk about others’ ideas and beliefs, and perhaps I will return to them in the coming months, but for the next few posts I want to turn your attention away from specific people to concepts and ideals that we exalt and may unknowingly hold us captive. The focus of my entries will be based upon “The List.” Why don’t you take the time to review the posts “The List” and “The List Deconstructed” to see where I’ve been and to see the basis on which I will build for the next few weeks? As always, I welcome your feedback so I look forward to your comments.

Copyright 2009 by Rhonda J. Smith