Tag Archives: Woman

Three Tips for Avoiding Slander

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Avoid evil for evil (Romans 12:17)—Human nature’s typical response to someone doing something evil to you is 1) disbelief; 2) to wonder why she did it; 3) to figure out how to get her back; and 4) to get her back. This pattern always leads to slander. Wondering why often has you creating scenarios regarding your culprit’s thoughts and the motives in her heart. This will not change the slander nor make your culprit remorseful. Neither will trying to figure out how to get her back and getting her back remove the wrong done to you and change your perpetrator’s heart. Instead of traveling the slanderous road, bless the one who did evil to you (Romans 12:14). You can do this by 1) praying that God changes her heart and 2) doing something more practical for her like providing for a basic need or sending her a note of forgiveness or encouragement (Proverbs 25:21-22).

Focus on being a friend—Sometimes your friends are the ones who do you wrong. With them too avoid evil for evil and concentrate on being a friend by 1) loving at all times (Proverbs 17:17); 2) providing earnest counsel (Proverbs 27:9 and Ephesians 4:15); and 3) encouraging and challenging her (Proverbs 27:17 and Romans 14:19). Loving at all times includes even when your friend shows you no love. Love should always be unconditional because this is how Jesus Christ loves us. If you concentrate on being a friend, you don’t have time, energy or inclination to travel the slanderous road.

Remember your job as an ambassador of Christ (2 Corinthians 5:20)—Whatever you do is a reflection of our Christianity. If you wrong people because they wrong you, people will believe the God you claim to love does the same. You’ve heard, “If that’s the way Christians act, then I don’t want to be a Christian” or something similar. As an ambassador of Jesus Christ, you have to represent Him by doing what He would do, loving the way He loved. This is the way you draw people to Jesus Christ. This is the Christian’s main mission (Matthew 28:18-20).

Remember, God says that He will provide vengeance to those who have done evil (Romans 12:19 and 2 Thessalonians 1:6). We must trust God at his Word, all of it. If He says to avoid evil for evil , be a friend, and remember our job as ambassadors of Christ, this is what we must do. This is faith and is what pleases God (Hebrews 11:6). We must think about what our actions will accomplish and then choose the actions that will reflect the character of Christ. Easy? No. Required? Yes. And being nonslanderous is possible through prayer and following the example of Christ (Psalm 119:133 and 1 Peter 2:21).

Copyright 2009 by Rhonda J. Smith

Holy Vision

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“I go to a sanctified church,” my neighbor Tommy would say, as he went to double beat clapping and alternate foot stomping while singing a song that his choir performed. “We be jammin’.” And as a girl I longed to go to his church to see his sanctified choir in action, but I knew I had to wear a long dress, and I didn’t have any long dresses, and it would also be hard for me to look somber like his plain-faced mother and sisters did. They looked so serious, I guess about God. I asked my mother what a sanctified church was and she told me about some of their practices, but all I remember is “the women have to wear long dresses and little or no makeup, especially red lipstick and nail polish.” As a young lover of fashion and makeup, I knew I couldn’t go to a sanctified church. I would have to settle for my Methodist one.

You may have heard of sanctified churches too, and maybe, like me, you thought they were a part of the sanctified denomination. But age and wisdom helped me to understand that there is no sanctified denomination and that all Christian churches should have sanctified, or holy, people, those whose hearts yearn to be like God.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying that we are gods, with a little “g,” but God, through Jesus Christ, has called Christians to work in His behalf while we are on the earth (2 Corinthians 5:20). In order to do this, you have to set yourself apart from a human agenda and align yourself to God for His use. This is being sanctified (sanctification); this is being holy. This does have something to do with music, makeup and clothes because sanctification has everything to do with your behavior that emanates from a pure heart (1 Peter 1:13-23).

So the vision of a holy woman is one who exchanges her desires and other people’s agendas for her so she can clearly be aligned with Christ and able to accomplish His mission. Depending on the woman, this may affect your choice in music and the way you wear your makeup and clothes. Most likely your heart’s desire will demonstrate who has your attention—you and the world or God. But know this: sanctification is an ongoing process, one we don’t complete until we go to heaven. So be encouraged if you can’t seem to shake that hoochie in you; keep seeking God and eventually that hoochie will shake you loose.

By Rhonda J. Smith copyright 2009

God Fearing Vision

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You could have called me a maverick, cause that’s what I was, doing my own thing, saying my own things—whatever came to mind, and I dared anyone to challenge me. This is who I was. I would get drunk on the weekend but walk soberly into church on weekdays and Sundays, not missing a service or special event. Said, “God bless you” and “*%#$ you” during the same time in my life. I was a bag of “mixed nuts,” a term my husband uses for those who curse and bless, who straddle the fence that divides sanctification and self-gratification. I’m not talking about those who do these things and struggle with their patterns. I’m talking about people who are settled in their duality, think it’s ok, as long as they’re giving God His. But it’s not okay. These people are irreverent; they don’t fear God. I didn’t fear God and as I sought God more, I gradually realized that I needed to change.

God fearing, The Proactive Vision: showing respect for God; being concerned how your thoughts and actions may displease Him according to his standards, thus living circumspectly.

God fearing, The Reactive Vision: showing respect for God; being concerned how your thoughts and actions may displease Him according to his standards, thus examining yourself after acting and making adjustments where necessary.

So I believe God’s vision for someone who is God fearing is that she knows God’s expectations and seeks to please Him by proactively fulfilling His expectations and reactively fulfilling them by recognizing her mistakes, making apologies to God and others, and repenting. In short, a God fearing woman doesn’t seek to gratify herself but seeks to please God on His terms. Being God fearing is the basis for all the other characteristics for a strong woman. I would love to hear about how you have walked out your proactive and reactive visions. Give me a holla.

Long Hair War

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The following is a comment from one of my readers that I thought was too poignant to just remain in the comment section. It is today’s post. Please give her your feedback and let’s keep the dialogue going.

By Nicole “Nikki” Parker

Nicole Parker used to struggle with women hatin' on her for having long, fine hair. Through Christ, she has been set free!

Nicole Parker used to struggle with women hatin' on her for having long, fine hair. Through Christ, she has been set free!


My hair wars are sort of different, to an extent. I always had long hair. I have fine, thin hair that grows like wildflowers. I didn’t have confidence in my hair. Quite the opposite. Though my hair is fine, I permed (relaxed) it to fit in, and I cut it to make it less obvious that it’s long. I didn’t understand how my hair had anything to do with who I was and so in turn I felt if I walked in a room I should naturally apologize for my long hair, what most people would call “white girl hair.” After I got over the perm pressures about 10 years ago, my hair grew healthier and longer and I would get the same “OMG” and “How long and pretty your hair is” looks and comments. These comments made me feel uncomfortable because the tone wasn’t “You really have nice hair”; they were more like, “I wish I had your hair and you MUST think you’re all that.” So about five years ago for every summer thereafter I would cut my hair to my neck in a bob and that would keep the comments to a minimum except for the initial shock that I even had the nerve to cut off “all that pretty hair.” I never appreciated the hair God gave me because I wasn’t secure in who I was in Him.

I realized my insecurity had nothing to do with my hair, just how I felt about it and what I was trained to believe growing up: that hair somehow defines me and puts me in a typical stereotype of light skinned/long haired females have no depth and are superficial. That is the complete opposite of who I am, NOW, anyway, because people will have you thinking one thing about yourself so much, YOU start to believe it! But when God showed me I can’t take credit for anything, especially the length or grade of my hair, I seriously I had to get a grip and help other women realize that the outer appearance is not even worth mentioning if our hearts aren’t right before God. The battle continues because women are always looking at the next woman to compare themselves to, and it’s not necessary because our eyes should be on Christ alone and then and only then can we accept who we are and that our physical man, including hair, is just clay.

We represent Christ so I’m not suggesting we don’t take care of what He has given us. However, I am saying as women of God we should seek first Him and he’ll take care of everything else. He’ll teach us how to carry ourselves in modesty. He’ll teach us how to be sensitive to others who have not had the revelation yet that the inner man is far more valuable than the outer man. He’ll tell us through the Holy Spirit when we’re tripping and going too far or not far enough. He’s a God that is involved! So with that in mind I can walk around with all of my “long pretty hair” and not feel like apologizing but smiling, representing that the old stereotypes are dead to me because my Daddy told me to love what He created in me and every woman I see with locks, press and curl, fade, bob, waist length, shoulder length, long and flowing, tight curls, afros, etc. It doesn’t matter to Him; it’s our heart he’s after!

Cut the Locks

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In 1992, I made the huge step to wear my hair in its God-given state. For years I had said I would lock my hair when I turned 60. I chose 60 because I figured I would be established in my career and would have great influence with those around me so no one would have the power to force me to change my hair. Well, I didn’t wait until 60. In 1992, I decided no more relaxers for me and cut my straightened hair until my natural coils formed a nicely cropped fade. It was cool, but I longed for the locks I saw the confident women in my African dance class and a black women’s academic conference at MIT wear. The way they moved and expressed ideas had to have something to do with the hair, I reasoned. It was as if the assurance of their bodies and minds had positioned itself on the top of their heads, and I wanted that type of assurance.

In May 1994, I got my hair twisted to begin the process of dreadlocks and my confidence followed, not confidence accepting the hair that God gave me, but confidence in my locks being “the best” or “the neatest I’ve ever seen,” as people constantly told me. I would smile and give a proper thank you, but inside I would be gloating, talking to myself, saying, “I know. I hear that all the time” or “My hair is beautiful, isn’t it?” To my knowledge, no one knew this ugliness was in my heart. No one even suspected it was there, except for God, of course. And in July 2001, He told me I had to cut away the ugliness, symbolized by cutting off my locks.

My initial objection to His request made me realize how deep my ugliness ran and let me know that I had to be obedient. “No, I’m going to be on HGTV so I can’t cut my hair,” I said aloud, and I heard the vanity of wanting to have fabulous hair when featured on my favorite network at that time. In an instant moment of spiritual sanity, I got the scissors, went to the mirror and cut my locks along with a stream of tears. My momentary sadness had turned to joy, knowing that I was pleasing God and on my way to healing from hair pride. I knew my journey was about complete when I felt led to lock my hair again in 2003, after two years of obedience to no professional haircuts. Since I was four, there was never a time when I didn’t have regular salon appointments. In those two years I learned that the salon contributed to my hair pride, and I needed to get healthy in heart before allowing a professional to style my hair. There’s so much more to this hair journey. Even now the story is still being written. I’m finished for now but still would love to hear your stories.

Copyright 2009 by Rhonda J. Smith