Some years ago I read a book that seemed to suggest that the strong black woman was inevitable because black women have always had to take the lead, starting in West Africa. In The Black Woman, edited by La Frances Rodgers-Rose, the editor says Continue reading
In my family I watched my grandmother juggle her many lives: part-time domestic or cook; full-time homemaker; block club secretary; church missionary, Sunday school teacher and trustee; wife; mother; and friend. She did all with pizzazz, I thought. She was the tower of strength that we all leaned on. But the day my sister witnessed her “breakdown,” I knew that the pressure from being all things to all people, particularly her husband, had worn her out. During a usual moment of historical pride about providing for his family and never having to go on welfare he mentioned being “the head” of the house. Like a mother scolding her child for the umpteenth time for the same offense, my grandmother uncharacteristically cursed my grandfather and told him she was the head. She was unapologetic, self-satisfied, for claiming her place, one she believed she walked in without the proper recognition.
But my sister and I were in shock. She called me right after she left their house. We talked about all the years my grandmother, then in their early 80s, had given service with a smile, submission with gladness, yet subversively had been hiding her true feelings. We reflected on the clues of her marital dissatisfaction: the whispered conversations about his ineptness, the hidden stash of money, and the short silent treatments when she was annoyed.
I believe my aunt and mother saw all these clues of her misery through the smiles and pledged to live domestic life differently. My aunt was vocal about her role as a wife. “I’m not doing like Mama. She worked herself to the bone and served Daddy. Unh, unh. Not me.” My mother’s actions said the same. She did not clean; my daddy cooked; and she was always involved outside the home, rallying for women. Her love for women really began as an undergraduate student.
Copyright 2006-2010 by Rhonda J. Smith
From as early as I can remember I’ve been driven to do what I feel is right: As a toddler I never crawled, just decided to walk one day; In elementary school, I befriended the lonely and didn’t let bullies bully me; In junior high, I refused to suck up to the most popular girl who sought to strip my dignity and win my friends; In high school, I dared to run for class office against the most popular girl; In college, I led my peers to defend the homeless and conducted personal crusades on their behalf; and post graduate and beyond, I’ve made it my business to tell it like it is about race and gender inequalities. These weren’t bad things, but they all stemmed from an independent spirit. And an independent spirit is great when it allows you to be free from trying to please people, to do the right thing. But when you are free from trying to please God to do your own thing, that’s when chaos begins.
Chaos for me began when my free spirit was coupled with an early exposure to illicit sex. From about 9 to early adulthood, self pleasure was a favorite pastime, at 16 my virginity was loss (at my initiating), and throughout early adulthood, I did most of what my body desired. As a strong black woman, I thought it was my prerogative to “make love” to men I wasn’t married to, watch illicit movies, and hang out at seedy places with unscrupulous people. Few suspected my impurity, with two of my closest friends in college ridiculing me for being “a prude.” Private I was; prudish I was not and this caused an ultimate tragedy for me—getting burned.
Even though I wasn’t saved, the results of my illicit acts helped me to see why God commands purity for His people (Colossians 3:5-6). Sexual purity is rendered fornication in the Bible and means to have sex outside of the marital bond to whom God declares you can marry (one man to one woman). Engaging within the bond of marriage can be challenging enough in itself. Operating outside of God’s commands inevitably brings consequences you don’t want and shouldn’t have to handle. Truly, it is best to flee fornication and rid yourself of the notion that you are free to do whatever you want because you are grown (1 Corinthians 6:18). If you don’t, assured destruction is on the way.
Copyright 2009 by Rhonda J. Smith
Sometimes we don’t know how not to be ourselves. We may immediately speak what’s on our mind, to tell the truth to someone in darkness, even though scripture tells us to be slow to speak, quick to hear and slow to wrath (James 1:9). Maybe it’s not swift speaking. Maybe it’s something good like cleaning the house or paying bills when God would have us do something more beneficial at the time. Or maybe it’s like with me, relying upon my own ability to hear from God. We just do what we do because we’ve always done it that way and it’s easy for us, convenient for us. In these instances God has to step in to help us. This was the case with me.
God made me as one who has a strong desire for His presence through direct contact with Him. Seeking Him for myself has been a strength for me. I rarely seek the direction of authority figures in my life because I haven’t felt a need to. Well, God showed me that I must go to them because they are there to lead me. I knew this intellectually (Hebrews 13:7 & 17) but would not allow this truth to manifest physically. God allowed me to become spiritually weak so that His purpose for leadership placed in my life might be fulfilled. I needed humbling and to recognize that I wasn’t treating my leaders like His representatives. It was natural for me to count on myself.
Like the Apostle Paul, God has allowed me to experience some wonderful things in the spirit. To ensure that I didn’t boast about these experiences (and even dismiss the spiritual effectiveness of my leaders), I, like Paul, had to receive a thorn in my flesh. God knew that Paul’s natural tendency would be haughtiness. He knew the same for me. He sent me the thorn of spiritual dryness so I could seek refreshment from my leaders. And as God would have it, they had words of life and light for me in two areas of darkness that I had been groping in. Spiritual self-reliance—arrogance—is dangerous. Even with knowing the voice of God, as blogger Milan Ford says, it’s always good to still check in with Eli for direction.
Copyright 2009 by Rhonda J. Smith
I told you I have never considered myself a feminist, but consider the notions I had as a strong black woman (and maybe you did or still do have) that could be considered feminist:
As I examine my former thoughts, I realize that I gave priority to my womanhood; I considered my existence by giving preference to my female desires with little or no regard to the negative effects on men or children. These feminist notions truly are from the human spirit and not the Holy Spirit, but they made me feel good about myself and humanity. I believed that humanity could evolve from the bondages of patriarchal boundaries by removing the boundaries to freely choose unrestrained egalitarianism or even matriarchy.
Yes, we are free to choose, but we are not free to choose any natural consequences of our decisions. When we as Christians decide what’s best for us apart from God, we have eliminated Him as God in our life and have taken the throne (Judges 17:6, 21:25). Jesus Christ is the author and finisher of our faith (Hebrews 12:2), and if we believe that, our decisions have to reflect that.
Copyright 2009 by Rhonda J. Smith