Tag Archives: Faith

Another Black Woman Speaks

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sbwhiteThis is an interview with a former academic colleague, Shauntae Brown White, Ph.D. Dr. Brown White is an associate professor in the mass communications and English departments at North Carolina Central University in Durham, NC, is a Christian and is married to the Rev. Dr. Harry L. White, pastor of Watts Chapel Missionary Baptist Church in Raleigh, NC. From her credentials, many of us would consider her a strong black woman. Check out her views on being controlling:

In what ways are you controlling?
I like order in the midst of chaos. I don’t like feeling like I am out of control. But, the reality is there are many things that are out of our control. Though I have grown in this area, there are some times when I believe that my way is the better choice. However, through maturity I’ve realized that is arrogant. My way is the best for me, but that is only one option.

How has being controlling affected your relationships?

My husband hates being controlled. I tell him how to do things, especially domestically or with our girls. If there was one thing he could change about me, I think it would be it. I’ve had to learn to bite my tongue. Some things simply don’t need to be said.

I don’t really think I try to control others. But, I do pray about my future relationship with my daughters. Much of the tension in my relationship with my own mother was based on my perception of her trying to control me and me resisting. I am sure it must be very difficult to learn how to relate to your children as adults. We are their earthly protectors and guides for so long—more than 18 years. But, we have to learn how to let go and let them make their own mistakes. Of course I have a few years to negotiate this since my daughters are 6 and 3.

Why do you think you are controlling? What have you done to stop being controlling?

As I said above, some of it is arrogance. Some of it is the desire to be helpful when I see that something is “missing.” I have learned to ask the question of myself, “In the whole scheme of things, does it really matter?”

I’ve also prayed a lot in my marriage—asking the Lord to give me discernment for the things I need to mention and the words to do so, and when I need to let things go.

I’ve also developed the mantra, “If it don’t bother you, it don’t bother me.”

Do you consider yourself a strong black woman? If so, why?

I do not consider myself a Strong Black Woman. Why are black women the only ones who are expected to be strong? We never hear comments such as, “That’s a strong white woman there.” Or “Now that is a strong Asian woman.” I find strength and encouragement in the Lord. I am persistent. I am determined. I have drive. But, even a rubber band can break when there is too much tension on it. I want to have strength, but I want to also have the space to be vulnerable.

Controlling Men

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Have you been so controlling that a guy ranted about you like this?

After reading the blog entry “Wrong Control,” I was moved me to write a response from a man’s perspective based on my own experiences. I have had a couple of experiences with “strong black women” exercising control in one way or another and in each relationship, the woman tried to control me as a way of protecting herself from being hurt! One would use the silent method, expecting me to be able to figure out what she wanted or needed. She had written the script in her mind but failed to share it with me, the lead actor. I was supposed to miraculously figure out the plot then play my part accordingly without any practice or dress rehearsal! So needless to say when I “acted out of turn” the arguments began which a good majority of the time were made out to be my fault!

I consider myself a very compromising, good-natured, giving man so when a woman tries to “control” me, it puts me on alert because of what I witnessed and was also subjected to as a young man growing up. I not only watched my mother control my father to a certain extent, using innocent manipulative tactics, but I also was a victim of these same tactics. Being so much like my father in how I try to treat a woman with respect and adulation, I find myself being misunderstood by the women I seek to honor. It’s as if they do not believe I am “real” and go about doing “things” to test me!

Silence is one test. This one woman she did so much talking about miscellaneous subjects, but when trying to express her feelings for me, she remained mute! Just like the other woman, she had written a script without giving me a copy and wondered why the story didn’t end the way she had it in her mind! Another test was always talking about her. When I wanted to talk about me, she didn’t seem to have the same attention span I gave her! A third test was having to know when the woman was in need or when I was supposed to hail her greatness. Half the time she acted like the damsel in distress and sought advice, but the other half was spent “tooting her own horn” as if justifying why I should be happy to be connected to woman like her! I would give her advice, but from time to time get chastised for not simply listening. Of course, after so many of these talks, I realized it was all about her and I was supposed to be there when she wanted me and how she wanted me!

From my experiences, it seems the common denominator has been insecurity! These “strong,” educated, good job having black women all tried to control me in one way or another out of a lack of security with themselves! The one area where they knew they were vulnerable was “love” so they tried to control this area so that their vulnerabilities wouldn’t be exposed! They were exposed anyway and so now all they are left with are their same insecurities and a desire to stay in control! Did Janet Jackson really have Jermaine Dupri in mind when she first pursued control of her life?

By Curtis Anderson Jr.

Taking Off

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Last week was challenging trying to take a much-needed get away. Within that week loved ones of four people close to me died, I had the flu, I missed a women’s conference I was looking forward to attending, and I had to care for my sons who were also sick. I thank God for my husband who didn’t get sick and was able to take care of us all when he was home from work. He even took off one day to care for us. I truly had a lesson in giving up being controlling because there was very little that I could do. No laundry. Little cooking. Few support visits. Zero teaching. A lot of nothing. Before this involuntary vacation I would rarely rest myself but push to get everything done. Through the flu my body demanded a shutdown and I had to rest. I still had clothes to wear, was able to eat, supported friends through prayer and phone calls and realized that my son hadn’t suddenly gotten dumb. So even though my regime had to cease, I still had everything that I needed. And after my involuntary vacation, I got to get away overnight with my husband. Though it took a small production to pull off, we had a refreshing time. God’s plans truly were higher than mine and proved to be exactly what I needed.

Copyright 2009 By Rhonda J. Smith

Silence with God

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“Quench not the Spirit”—1 Thessalonians 5:19
No one can control God, but we surely try with all our human tactics. Just like we don’t talk to others so they continue to see us in a positive way or punish them with our silence, we try the same thing with God. Even though we know that He already knows everything about us, we may choose not to talk to Him about our issues; we think that somehow talking to Him about our stuff will confirm for Him just how wretched we are (as if He didn’t already know).

When we get mad at God (Admit it, you get mad at Him from time to time.), we give Him the silent treatment. We don’t pray because we want to deprive Him of our company. Then there are those times that we don’t think He will approve of what we want so we choose not to talk to Him at all. Or maybe we did pray about what we wanted, but God didn’t respond. We go ahead and do what we want because “God didn’t say no.” We interpret His silence as permission.

These are all our attempts to control the God of the universe. We attempt to impress Him, punish Him and ignore Him all in hopes of getting what we want. Just like with human relationships, silence can be deadly. It kills our fellowship with God. It takes us to a place that’s easy to get to but hard to recover from.

Copyright 2009 By Rhonda J. Smith

Punishing Others

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Silence truly can be deadly. It can kill ill behavior. Cutting a look at your children when they’re doing wrong suddenly stops their wrongs because they know Mama has said a mouth full with her eyes.

Silence truly can be deadly. It can kill fellowship. You may have a close friend that you still talk to but your interactions just aren’t what they used to be. There is tension between you, but no one is talking about it. The change came when you or she decided to stop communicating like you used to. Someone said something to make the other one upset. Instead of talking it out you silence it out, changing the once easy interactions of your friendship into uncomfortable ones.

Silence truly can be deadly. Ultimately, it can kill relationships. If you use silence long enough to punish others you can go from lost fellowship to lost relationship, ending friendships that may have been meant for a lifetime.

Copyright 2009 By Rhonda J. Smith