Tag Archives: Equality

Marital Oneness

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“I don’t need no man,” many a strong black woman has said. And she is right. In fact, if you look at why God made woman, you could infer that the man needs a woman (Gen. 2:18-23). But I don’t think this is what God wants us to get from that passage. It’s about two whole people coming together to enhance each other’s wholeness and being on one accord. This is what I think typifies oneness; two people can come together knowing their strengths and weaknesses and contribute and accept enhancement from the other (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). The two agree, based on God’s word, how they will develop this oneness.

Oneness wasn’t even in my mind when I was demanding a new family structure from what my husband-to-be was accustomed to (see previous entry). I told him that we were not going to his people’s house. I didn’t tell him what I thought and ask him what he thought so together we could decide what a new family custom might be. I was also drawing the line between what’s his and what’s mine, by referring to his birth family as his people instead of seeing them as our people. Being one means his family becomes my family. He leaves them and becomes one with me, not being under his parents’ rules anymore but operating based upon the guidelines of our new family (Genesis 2:24). Our oneness now requires synergy based upon a scriptural model. And part of the scriptural model for marriage is the different roles assigned to husbands and wives (Ephesians 5:21-33). I’ll talk about that more next time, but for now, in what ways may you have disrupted oneness in marriage? What about others you know? You know I want your feedback. I look forward to receiving it.

Copyright 2009 by Rhonda J. Smith

Marital Equality

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I had it all figured out. I told my husband to be: “When we get married, we ain’t going over to your people’s house every week for dinner. And I’m still going to present at academic conferences. I’ll just have our baby strapped to me, but I’m going.” There was no way that I was going to be obligated to his family’s idea of together time, and there was no way that I was going to stop my career aspirations. I knew the scriptures told a man to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and I knew that God had gifted me to work just like He had gifted my man (Genesis 2:24; 1 Corinthians 12:4-11). I wanted to assert myself, make sure that he knew how things were laying before he gave me the ring, before I said I do. I wanted him to know that he couldn’t make all the decisions because we were equal. But none of my thoughts considered what God had to say about marriage, namely that the two shall be one and that husbands and wives have different roles. I’ll discuss both more fully in future entries.

I didn’t consider what God had to say because I thought what I had to say was more important (Proverbs 3:7). My wisdom told me that we could still operate married like we were single and that we were equal in how we should function. And though I talked about the 50/50 split in marriage, I always wrestled with that one because my common sense let me know that would be impossible (though it would be ideal, I thought); the only way you could split everything 50/50 in marriage is if you marry your clone.

Marital equality calls for each spouse to seek to operate fully in their functions, not to perform the same functions. And sometimes these functions require what you’d rather not do, like submit to attending a family dinner or postpone an academic career to properly care for children. Initially both seemed hard, but God’s wisdom has proven that my notions were the way of death (Proverbs 14:12).

Copyright 2009 by Rhonda J. Smith

Feminist Notions

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I told you I have never considered myself a feminist, but consider the notions I had as a strong black woman (and maybe you did or still do have) that could be considered feminist:

    1) Men and women are equal in all ways.
    2) I don’t need a man to provide for or protect me.
    3) We will split everything 50/50 in my marriage (bills, duties, etc.).
    4) I’m not in favor of abortion for me, but I believe women should have a choice to decide what they want to do with their own bodies.
    5) You should be able to love whoever finds you loveable and you find loveable, no matter what gender.

As I examine my former thoughts, I realize that I gave priority to my womanhood; I considered my existence by giving preference to my female desires with little or no regard to the negative effects on men or children. These feminist notions truly are from the human spirit and not the Holy Spirit, but they made me feel good about myself and humanity. I believed that humanity could evolve from the bondages of patriarchal boundaries by removing the boundaries to freely choose unrestrained egalitarianism or even matriarchy.

Yes, we are free to choose, but we are not free to choose any natural consequences of our decisions. When we as Christians decide what’s best for us apart from God, we have eliminated Him as God in our life and have taken the throne (Judges 17:6, 21:25). Jesus Christ is the author and finisher of our faith (Hebrews 12:2), and if we believe that, our decisions have to reflect that.

Copyright 2009 by Rhonda J. Smith

Equality vs. Fair Treatment

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I believe in fair treatment and less so in equality all across the board. This may sound strange, but I’ve thought about it for awhile, and I know that I’d rather be treated fairly than equal to someone else because of the basic fact that I don’t need nor deserve what some others may have. See, if my parents had treated me and my siblings equal and not fairly, I wouldn’t have received a car that was required for an internship that I won; they would have had to buy them one, too. Or I would have been unable to use my parents’ credit card, like one of my other siblings who abused the use. When my 6th grade teacher compared me to my sister who she had the year before, my mama got her straight. “Don’t be comparing my babies. Rhonda learns differently than Sharon and you must accept who she is.” I want to be treated according to who I am (a unique child of God), what I do (my work wage should be based on my work not my race or gender), how I act (the righteousness of my personality), and what I need (regardless of what I think or how I act and the merits of each, I want God to give me what I need to develop the character to do what He needs me to do). To be treated equal is to be treated the same. To be treated fair is to be treated according to what you need. What we need, as Christians, is what God says we need. Fair treatment according to God’s standards is justice, and that’s what we should be striving for.

Copyright 2009 by Rhonda J. Smith