Tag Archives: Controlling

Pride

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This Mother’s Day I got treated to rest and dinner. My husband took care of my one-year-old all through church service and fulfilled most of our children’s demands throughout the weekend; I ate at my favorite restaurant (The Blue Nile, Ethiopian); and I finally watched the TD Jakes’ movie Not Easily Broken with Morris Chestnut and Taraji P. Henson.

For those of you who haven’t seen the movie, it’s about what happens to a married couple that doesn’t keep God at the center of the marriage. In this movie, selfish desires take precedence and allow bitterness and blame shifting to become basis of the couple’s interactions. Ultimately, pride is what keeps each of them from continually pursuing the other to make amends. But a conversation with her mother led the wife to a revelation of her complicity in destroying her marriage.

In defending why she encouraged her daughter to put her husband out of the house, her mother said: “Black women have to be strong and you know that.” “And in all your lessons about how I need to be strong and proud and independent, Mama, you left out some very important things. How to love, Mama. How to really care about somebody. How to forgive.” Oh, this struck a chord with me. My mama, too, like many of our mothers, gave us the reality lesson of the double struggle that comes with being black and a woman: People automatically discount your strengths so you have to work twice as hard to be considered half as good. And for me and others I know, this made us work more than twice as hard because we wanted to be considered more than half as good. This excellence, for me, resulted in pride. Not the kind that prompts you to have good self grooming and appreciate how God made you (this is good pride), but the kind that says, “I’m all that. I’d rather just do it myself to make sure it gets done right.” I became self-reliant and in my recovery, I have had to learn how to have God esteem, not self-esteem, and let people help me.

Pride has been my source of strength, my vice, for many years. We know that pride comes in many forms, and I have dealt with a good variety of them: intellectual pride, family pride, sorority pride, material pride, just to name a few (Yes, there are more. I will be delivered, in Jesus’ name). As I prepare to reveal my proud self in various areas of my life, tell me where you struggle with pride. How has pride been a hindrance for you? Talk to me.

Copyright 2009 by Rhonda J. Smith

Reproductive Rights

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The age old argument for abortion goes: “I’m not in favor of abortion for me, but I believe women should have a choice to decide what they want to do with their own bodies.” I used to think that, too. In my teens and early 20s, I was vocal about it and placed money on it, giving $200 to help fund a friend’s late term abortion. An age old argument for birth control methods goes: “I don’t want to get pregnant so I’m going to take birth control pills. I am being responsible.” That I used to think, too, and placed my money on it, offering a nominal fee to Planned Parenthood for my birth control pills. Even after Jesus became my Savior at 26, I still took birth control pills and did so for the first few years of my marriage. Well, I changed my mind on both when I began to see what use God had for my body:

    “Be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth”—Genesis 1:28 (KJV).
    “But did He not make them one, (h)aving a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring.”—Malachi 2:15 (NKJV).
    “Or don’t you know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself. . .”—1 Corinthians 6:19 (NLT).

God wants me to have children so the earth will be filled with people who live for and worship Him. I can’t decide what I want to do with my body because it doesn’t belong to me, but to God. He is the owner and has the right to tell me what to do with it. So while I understand the classic arguments why people should be able to choose abortion or to control whether or not they have children through other birth control means, I believe that the imminent death of the mother (like in the case of a tubal pregnancy) is the only time an abortion should be performed. And I personally believe that thinking that I can’t handle having another child because of economic or emotional reasons is definitely not a reason to abort and may not be cause to use birth control, especially those designed to kill the fetus after conception (like the Morning After Pill). So the only reproductive right I believe the Christian woman has is to remain in concert with her maker’s intent for her body. This is what I think. You know I want to know what you think. Please give your comments and let’s hash this out together.

Copyright 2009 by Rhonda J. Smith

Another Black Woman Speaks

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sbwhiteThis is an interview with a former academic colleague, Shauntae Brown White, Ph.D. Dr. Brown White is an associate professor in the mass communications and English departments at North Carolina Central University in Durham, NC, is a Christian and is married to the Rev. Dr. Harry L. White, pastor of Watts Chapel Missionary Baptist Church in Raleigh, NC. From her credentials, many of us would consider her a strong black woman. Check out her views on being controlling:

In what ways are you controlling?
I like order in the midst of chaos. I don’t like feeling like I am out of control. But, the reality is there are many things that are out of our control. Though I have grown in this area, there are some times when I believe that my way is the better choice. However, through maturity I’ve realized that is arrogant. My way is the best for me, but that is only one option.

How has being controlling affected your relationships?

My husband hates being controlled. I tell him how to do things, especially domestically or with our girls. If there was one thing he could change about me, I think it would be it. I’ve had to learn to bite my tongue. Some things simply don’t need to be said.

I don’t really think I try to control others. But, I do pray about my future relationship with my daughters. Much of the tension in my relationship with my own mother was based on my perception of her trying to control me and me resisting. I am sure it must be very difficult to learn how to relate to your children as adults. We are their earthly protectors and guides for so long—more than 18 years. But, we have to learn how to let go and let them make their own mistakes. Of course I have a few years to negotiate this since my daughters are 6 and 3.

Why do you think you are controlling? What have you done to stop being controlling?

As I said above, some of it is arrogance. Some of it is the desire to be helpful when I see that something is “missing.” I have learned to ask the question of myself, “In the whole scheme of things, does it really matter?”

I’ve also prayed a lot in my marriage—asking the Lord to give me discernment for the things I need to mention and the words to do so, and when I need to let things go.

I’ve also developed the mantra, “If it don’t bother you, it don’t bother me.”

Do you consider yourself a strong black woman? If so, why?

I do not consider myself a Strong Black Woman. Why are black women the only ones who are expected to be strong? We never hear comments such as, “That’s a strong white woman there.” Or “Now that is a strong Asian woman.” I find strength and encouragement in the Lord. I am persistent. I am determined. I have drive. But, even a rubber band can break when there is too much tension on it. I want to have strength, but I want to also have the space to be vulnerable.

Controlling Men

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Have you been so controlling that a guy ranted about you like this?

After reading the blog entry “Wrong Control,” I was moved me to write a response from a man’s perspective based on my own experiences. I have had a couple of experiences with “strong black women” exercising control in one way or another and in each relationship, the woman tried to control me as a way of protecting herself from being hurt! One would use the silent method, expecting me to be able to figure out what she wanted or needed. She had written the script in her mind but failed to share it with me, the lead actor. I was supposed to miraculously figure out the plot then play my part accordingly without any practice or dress rehearsal! So needless to say when I “acted out of turn” the arguments began which a good majority of the time were made out to be my fault!

I consider myself a very compromising, good-natured, giving man so when a woman tries to “control” me, it puts me on alert because of what I witnessed and was also subjected to as a young man growing up. I not only watched my mother control my father to a certain extent, using innocent manipulative tactics, but I also was a victim of these same tactics. Being so much like my father in how I try to treat a woman with respect and adulation, I find myself being misunderstood by the women I seek to honor. It’s as if they do not believe I am “real” and go about doing “things” to test me!

Silence is one test. This one woman she did so much talking about miscellaneous subjects, but when trying to express her feelings for me, she remained mute! Just like the other woman, she had written a script without giving me a copy and wondered why the story didn’t end the way she had it in her mind! Another test was always talking about her. When I wanted to talk about me, she didn’t seem to have the same attention span I gave her! A third test was having to know when the woman was in need or when I was supposed to hail her greatness. Half the time she acted like the damsel in distress and sought advice, but the other half was spent “tooting her own horn” as if justifying why I should be happy to be connected to woman like her! I would give her advice, but from time to time get chastised for not simply listening. Of course, after so many of these talks, I realized it was all about her and I was supposed to be there when she wanted me and how she wanted me!

From my experiences, it seems the common denominator has been insecurity! These “strong,” educated, good job having black women all tried to control me in one way or another out of a lack of security with themselves! The one area where they knew they were vulnerable was “love” so they tried to control this area so that their vulnerabilities wouldn’t be exposed! They were exposed anyway and so now all they are left with are their same insecurities and a desire to stay in control! Did Janet Jackson really have Jermaine Dupri in mind when she first pursued control of her life?

By Curtis Anderson Jr.

Taking Off

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Last week was challenging trying to take a much-needed get away. Within that week loved ones of four people close to me died, I had the flu, I missed a women’s conference I was looking forward to attending, and I had to care for my sons who were also sick. I thank God for my husband who didn’t get sick and was able to take care of us all when he was home from work. He even took off one day to care for us. I truly had a lesson in giving up being controlling because there was very little that I could do. No laundry. Little cooking. Few support visits. Zero teaching. A lot of nothing. Before this involuntary vacation I would rarely rest myself but push to get everything done. Through the flu my body demanded a shutdown and I had to rest. I still had clothes to wear, was able to eat, supported friends through prayer and phone calls and realized that my son hadn’t suddenly gotten dumb. So even though my regime had to cease, I still had everything that I needed. And after my involuntary vacation, I got to get away overnight with my husband. Though it took a small production to pull off, we had a refreshing time. God’s plans truly were higher than mine and proved to be exactly what I needed.

Copyright 2009 By Rhonda J. Smith