Tag Archives: Control

I Give Up

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When I find that I’m being controlling, sometimes this has to be my battle cry:

I Give Up!
I give up
the fight is yours
upon me Lord, your grace, please pour
to do your will
no questions asked
for it is your job to complete the task.

The life I Iive
it is not mine,
I am leaving that behind.
The fight, the struggle,
all my pride,
and all those other little things we hide.
To live a life that’s free of sin
True life in Christ, I shall begin.
“Go straight ahead with faith in Me
then you will find full life of peace.
They’ll strike you once, they’ll strike you twice,
you’ll realize life just isn’t nice.
Be brave my child, be brave my friend,
they’re gonna mock you ’til the end.
But if your attitude is right,
you’re gonna lead them to the light.”
©2009 Helena Nunn

Taking Authority

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He may have missed the work that I did, but I’m sure he didn’t miss my input at staff meetings. I’m talking about one of my old bosses who consistently wrote on my evaluations something like this: “Rhonda is a good worker, but she has to learn the times to contain her thoughts or phrase them in a more diplomatic way.” He said this because I didn’t hold my tongue when he used all types of euphemisms to discuss problems we were having with other departments or even the president of the college. I would raise my hand and say, “Mr. Man doesn’t want to say, but” and proceed to make the situation plain. I would tell it like it was. I would keep it real. But I was real out of bounds; I had crossed the line. I would usurp my boss’ authority.

Mr. Man had decided to be diplomatic when talking about colleagues and his superior, and I decided that his approach was incorrect. We didn’t need anyone tiptoeing around the problems, I thought. We needed someone strong enough to lay it all out so there would be no confusion. And my attitude was that if my boss wouldn’t do it, I would. Maybe I was right about the need to be more straightforward, but I had no right to take over the meeting when I wasn’t asked to do so. As a subordinate, this is the wrong type of control. I needed to stay in my place (Ouch!) until given permission (Double ouch!!!) to leave. This was not the way I operated, and sometimes it’s still not the way I operate though I know it’s what God commands (Romans 13:1-3; 1 Timothy 2:12). This is yet another reason that I say I am a (recovering) strong black woman.

Copyright 2009 By Rhonda J. Smith

Wrong Control

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janet-jackson
I’m a child of the 80s. Post-civil rights, post-women’s rights. It was about my rights. I was a child of the me-generation, and it was about me. It’s no wonder one of my mantras was Control by Janet Jackson. And I know I’m not alone. Check out the lyrics (particularly the highlighted parts) and see how she helped form the foundation of being in the wrong type of control:

[Spoken intro:]
This is a story about control
My control
Control of what I say
Control of what I do
And this time I’m gonna do it my way (my way)
I hope you enjoy this as much as I do
Are we ready?
I am
‘Cause it’s all about control (control)
And I’ve got lots of it)
When I was 17 I did what people told me, uhh!
Did what my father said, and let my mother mold me
But that was long ago

I’m in
Control
Never gonna stop
Control
To get what I want
Control
I like to have a lot
Control Now I’m all grown up

First time I fell in love, I didn’t know what hit me
So young and so naive, I thought it would be easy
Now I know I got to take

Control
Now I’ve got a lot, ow!
Control
To get what I want
Control
I’m never gonna stop
Control
Now I’m all grown up

Jam, ooh ooh
Rebel, that’s right
I’m on my own, I’ll call my own shots
Thank you
Got my own mind
I wanna make my own decisions
When it has to do with my life, my life
I wanna be the one in control

So let me take you by the hand, and lead you in this dance
Control
It’s what I got, because I took a chance
I don’t wanna rule the world, just wanna run my life
Ooh
So make your life a little easier
When you get the chance just take

Control, ooh ooh
Now I’ve got a lot, ooh
Control
To get what I want, ow!
Control
I’m never gonna stop
Control
Now I’m all grown up, ooh!

Free at last
Out here on my own
Ooh ooh ooh yeah, eee

Now control this, uhh
Control
That’s right
Control
Career moves
Control
I do what’s right for me
Control
And me wants to groove
Is that okay?
Yeah!
Ooh, control

I’ve got my own mind
Ooh baby
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
I’ve got my own mind
Wanna make my own decisions
When it has to do with my life
I wanna be the one in control

Hop to it
I’m in control, and I love it, hahaha, that’s right

Control
Now I’ve got a lot
Control
Now I’m all grown up, ahh!
I’m in control
Uhh
I’m in control
Ahh
I’m in control
Uhh
Don’t make me lose it
Control

Control vs. Controlling, Part 2

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I talked about this Monday, but I think there needs to be more clarity between the control that means that you are in a position of oversight and the control that means you are controlling.

When we say someone is in control, she is handling her business well. We say, “She’s in control” with nodding approval and a big smile. When someone is controlling, we simply say, “She’s controlling,” and that woman is handling someone else’s business. We say this with raised eyebrows, pierced lips and a slowly nodding head that let’s everyone know that woman is out of order. She may be in an oversight position, which can be a good thing. But if she is being controlling in that position–overstepping the bounds of leadership (more on that in a future entry), that’s a bad thing. That is the wrong type of control. Be aware of the difference when you are in control!

Copyright 2009 By Rhonda J. Smith

Control vs. Controlling

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Large and in charge. Running things. The Big Kuhuna. The Big Cheese. The HNIC. You are the woman! If this is you, chances are you are a strong black woman. But just because you are in a position of control doesn’t mean that you are controlling. What’s the difference? Control means to be in charge of, have power over, run. So you can have oversight over a company, a ministry or a family, but the way you give oversight indicates whether or not you’re controlling.

If you manipulate to get people to follow you, meddle when others are handling a task or like to handle everything because you think someone else will mess it up, then you are controlling. If you fear not being in control, give commands to your husband instead of requests, choose your children’s college major or always decide your girlfriend outings, you know you are a control freak. Don’t try to deny it. Accept it and let’s confess together. But more than confess, let’s remember the specific instances where we have been controlling and ask God to help us overcome. What issues of control do you have in your life?

Copyright 2009 By Rhonda J. Smith