Control vs. Controlling

Posted on January 26, 2009 by Rhonda J. Smith

Large and in charge. Running things. The Big Kuhuna. The Big Cheese. The HNIC. You are the woman! If this is you, chances are you are a strong black woman. But just because you are in a position of control doesn’t mean that you are controlling. What’s the difference? Control means to be in charge of, have power over, run. So you can have oversight over a company, a ministry or a family, but the way you give oversight indicates whether or not you’re controlling.

If you manipulate to get people to follow you, meddle when others are handling a task or like to handle everything because you think someone else will mess it up, then you are controlling. If you fear not being in control, give commands to your husband instead of requests, choose your children’s college major or always decide your girlfriend outings, you know you are a control freak. Don’t try to deny it. Accept it and let’s confess together. But more than confess, let’s remember the specific instances where we have been controlling and ask God to help us overcome. What issues of control do you have in your life?

The List Deconstructed

Posted on January 23, 2009 by Rhonda J. Smith

As we examine each item on “The List” that makes women fit to fill the job of a self-assured black woman, I want us to keep in mind what’s trying to be achieved. The aim for me is being assured about a self that is confident because God made her a woman and black and gives her the strength to handle her business the way He wants. I want to get away from defining success as first, promoting my racial identity; second, exalting my womanhood; and third, by attaining social status. The boast should never be in something created but only in the Someone who created.

For the next few weeks, the plan is to reassess whether or not we should be on The List. You can start now by telling me your thoughts. Do you think you should be on The List? Why or why not? If not, what new list can you create? As usual, I look forward to hearing your views.

Remember “The List”?

• Self-reliant
• Controlling
• Reliable
• Career-focused
• Feminist
• Sharp-tongued
• Mothering
• Afrocentric

Racial Pride

Posted on January 21, 2009 by Rhonda J. Smith

Yesterday was incredibly awesome. I was awestruck at his elegance, engaged by his grace and her grace and those beautiful children; they were lovely. It was another proud moment for me and most black folks who are fed up with modern-day minstrel shows in the form of ghetto shenanigans perpetuated as representing all of black America. I was proud to see a black American, President Barack Obama, in all his intellectual splendor, not just being a black face filling a space, but one qualified to be there. As I watched the inauguration, I had to ask myself, “What is this racial pride? Is it a boast in a racial competition or is it a declaration of I, too, am America?” (See below). As I pondered I realized that it was a little of both.

As a recovering strong black woman, I have my “How ya like me now!” racial moments. I want white people to envy black success and to feel ashamed for ever doubting our capability to achieve in high places. But as I move closer to Christian righteousness as it relates to race I more often declare, I, too, am America, though I am the darker sister. Acts 17:26 says that from the blood of one man God made every nation of men, and Psalm 139:14 says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. So based on Acts, white, Asian, Latin and Native American women and men are also fearfully and wonderfully made. With this in mind I will seek to be proud of others’ moments of success, not because they’re black but because they are some of God’s creations, brothers and sisters in humanity. Privileging race because of race slaps God in the face and disregards his intentionality of creating us all different. My move closer to Christian righteousness doesn’t always feel right but it is right. The walk is surely one of faith but one I am willing to take.

I, Too, Sing America by Langston Hughes
I, too, sing America.

I am the darker brother.
They send me to eat in the kitchen
When company comes,
But I laugh,
And eat well,
And grow strong.

Tomorrow,
I’ll be at the table
When company comes.
Nobody’ll dare
Say to me,
“Eat in the kitchen,”
Then.

Besides,
They’ll see how beautiful I am
And be ashamed–

I, too, am America.

Dream to Reality

Posted on January 19, 2009 by Rhonda J. Smith

I’ve been dreaming, as many people have on this Martin Luther King Jr. holiday, of a better nation. And, on the eve of the most historic day in racial history and of the presidency in the United States, I encourage us all to engage in new conversations about race.

Our 44th President, Mr. Barack Obama, has invited the nation to talk to him about race. And as a recovering strong black woman, I continue to encourage talk about the racial aspect of being a strong black woman. Let’s continue to have the old conversations about other oppression (like institutionalized racism) because those conversations are never finished. But I want us to talk about what many have relegated as our dirty laundry. Stuff like us having inherent strength because we are black or that we are better than others because of all we have been able to do with little time and resources. Let’s get our racial views about ourselves out in the open, assess where we are and where we need to go so that we become a better spiritual nation, the kingdom of God full of women fighting to be who He wants us to be.

Losing It

Posted on January 16, 2009 by Rhonda J. Smith

Like Florida Evans I, too, lost it. One day I realized that a loved one had died, and I could no longer hold it together. Some years ago, in uncharacteristic fashion (like Florida Evans cursing after her husband, James, died), I wanted to die. My loved one wasn’t my spouse or a child, but she was the strong black woman inside me whose strength had waned and had left me depleted and hopeless.

Yes, I was on The List (see previous blog), and I couldn’t keep being all these things to satisfy the role of a strong black woman. Being a strong black woman is tough, so I had to give up the job and get off the list by allowing her to die. Her death grieved me, but even in my mourning I know it was for the best.

I know that I’m not alone. What was your moment of awakening? When did you realize that the strong black woman in you had to die? Do you still love her and still have her? I want to hear you all, no matter what your perspective.

Musings of a (Recovering) Strong Black Woman

Tag Archives: Christianity

Control vs. Controlling

The List Deconstructed

Racial Pride

Dream to Reality

Losing It