Tag Archives: Christianity

A Safe Place

Posted on by
2

What Do You Think? Wednesdays

The other day my sister and I were talking about what makes non-church going folks say “I have to get myself together” and “I don’t have nothing to wear” before they can come to church. Sometimes they claim these are barriers because they want to keep on living the way they’re living, but sometimes they really do think self-help and a Sunday best wardrobe are what they need. Where did they get these notions? I believe folks in the church have created these barriers, ridiculous preconditions that have nothing to do with the soul-saving power of Jesus Christ and the transforming work that He can continually do in our lives. We don’t have the power to get ourselves together and we can never dress up our pain and confusion. But non-church going folks think so, and others, especially we strong black women, do, too.

Our legacy of strength makes us believe we have to keep ourselves together, never falling apart, never exposing ourselves to the church, the body of Christ, our family, fitly joined together to meet everyone’s needs (Ephesians 4:16). This includes OUR needs. We don’t get help in the church because we don’t want to expose ourselves and, unfortunately, churches don’t want us exposing ourselves. They need us to keep it together to run the ministries we run and some leaders just don’t know how to minister to us. The façade is easier, but no one can play these roles forever. We eventually fall apart in a farther gone place because of too few safe spaces like this website that are so prevalent outside the church. I thank God for my church’s counseling ministry that even has designated times to just walk-in and see a counselor. We even have intimate classes for women taught by strong biblical women. Besides offering these ministries and other sermon-styled women’s ministry functions (that usually don’t allow for transparency and intimacy), what does your church do or what do you think the church needs to do to create safe places for hurting women who think they need to mask their pain? As always, I look forward to hearing from you.

Copyright 2011 by Rhonda J. Smith

Get Some Help

Posted on by
2

Some places I just don’t go emotionally. For me they are like taking back alley bike rides: They seem convenient but the potential problems keep me from going there. When I was a bundle of nerves and confusion the other week, I knew I needed to rethink my emotional bike ride theory and figure out how to seek and receive a safe path, whether convenient or not. My problem was I just didn’t know HOW to do that. I don’t have a problem being honest with my feelings, but usually when I am most folks don’t know what to do with what I share. As my friend Carla said, even though I am a recovering strong black woman, people see me as having it all together and don’t usually ask if I need any help; they assume I have it all together. So between folks not knowing how to advise me or assuming I don’t need advice and me not knowing how to get help, I don’t get or expect much help. This doesn’t mean I don’t need or want help; I do. After talking with Carla, I understood what recovering strong black women and their friends can do to get them the help they need:

Strong Black Women

  • Confess what you’re going through.

    • Even though you may not have gotten help in the past, you don’t know what your confession may yield you. When I told Carla how I felt, she didn’t have anything to offer me in that moment but later she apologized for not asking me if I were okay. She then gave me permission to interrupt her talking about her so we can talk about me.

  • Talk it out.

    • If you are like me you may know that you need help but just not sure what you need. If you talk it out, you may discover what you need to ask for.

  • Ask your friends to let you talk.

    • People who have strong black women as friends take for granted that these friends are supposed to hear all their problems. This is the typical nature of the friendship so you have to speak up for yourself.

  • Know that your friends want to help you.

    • They usually are so grateful for all you’ve done for them that they are willing to help you or work hard to get you the help you need.

    Friends

  • Ask.

    • Make sure to ask your strong black women friends what they are going through. Don’t assume they have it all together.

  • Listen to them.

    • After you ask your friends what’s going on, LISTEN to them. We’ve all had people ask us how we are doing and when we’re honest they don’t even acknowledge what we’ve said but go on to the next subject. Don’t do that. Even if you don’t have advice to offer, at least pray for them in that moment.

  • Seek God.

    • Let Him show you HOW to help your strong black women friends. Even though they may be the ones who usually dispense the advice, God can use you to help them too.

    God means for our relationships to be reciprocal for healing to take place. Let’s do our parts so we can be healed (James 5:16).

    How have you been guilty of not seeking or offering help?

    Copyright 2011 by Rhonda J. Smith

    Seek Connection

    Posted on by
    Reply

    What Do You Think? Wednesday

    Actually, you got What Do You Think? Wednesday on Monday. Today I bring you a typical Monday message:

    When loss comes you realize what type of relationships you have. We see this when our loved ones die, when we lose a job or some other prestigious position, even when we lose our mind. We find out who is in our corner, who wants to be but who just doesn’t know how and about those who were just along for the good ride. With my own recent loss—that of my beloved constant connection to the world for about a week—I found out about some people in my life, especially me and my relationship to the Lord Jesus Christ.

    Of course the loss of the Internet, home phone and cell phone use don’t compare to the above losses, but they definitely showed me:

    1) That, indeed, I have great people in my life. After using the library’s Internet connection to post on Facebook my technology woes, my friend Adrienne called me from Arkansas and through the crackling line shouted her concern that nothing nefarious had caused the disruption. Another sister, Kamil, heard me through the statically line say I couldn’t even call her back on my cell phone; she had just upgraded her cell phone and offered to loan me her old one that I could use with my own phone number.

    2) Life without ready technology causes you to be still and resourceful. Eventually after the home phone line went dead, I didn’t bother to even answer the phone. At first I ran to get it in hopes that the line was restored. I accepted that checking the line AFTER a phone technician had come to check the wiring would be best. Also, before I got Kamil’s phone, I decided that charging my cell phone every 20 minutes was something that I was no longer willing to do. As for being resourceful, I used the public library, help lines and my own experience with technology to reconnect to the outside world.

    3) I don’t work hard enough to connect to God when our regular connection has been altered. With each child came a change in my quiet time and I had to find a new norm. I have accepted that my time may not be a dedicated, uninterrupted period in the morning with Bible readings and talks to Him throughout the day. Now, depending on the children’s needs, I may get that dedicated time, but more than likely my studying, reading and conversations can only be in spurts. Even though my consistent morning quiet time no longer works, I find myself spending too much time hoping the old way returns instead of pressing hard to connect with God in resourceful ways throughout the day.
    I was a hardworking sister, trying to get connected to the outside world and that tired me out. I know my energies will be better spent seeking to connect to God with last week’s abandon. He promises that His burden is easy and His yoke is light. Now that’s the kind of weight and hook up we all need.

    What have you learned from unexpected changes in your life?

    Copyright 2011 by Rhonda J. Smith

    Friday Feature: Baking Soda

    Posted on by
    2

    Buy one, get one free. Get two for one. Fifty percent off sale. However it’s termed, I think we all like a deal where we get more when we only spend for one. What bothers me, though, is when I can’t use the second item or don’t want it. I usually have that problem with clothes at a discount store where the inventory is already limited. I have a hard time finding another item to complete my deal. I’m so glad this is not the case with several natural, non-toxic household products I use. I get more than a ‘two for one’ with most of them, and for a recovering strong black woman trying not to have a specific something for everything, that’s definitely a break that I more than welcome.

    Baking soda
    The advertisement on the box doesn’t exaggerate. There is a bunch of ways to use baking soda. Of course I use baking soda to clean my teeth if I run out of toothpaste and have used some with water the rare times I get heartburn, but following are the ways I use baking soda on a regular basis:

  • Cleaning fresh fruit and vegetables.

    • I wet fruit then rub a little baking soda on each piece. For soft produce and items that have a lot of ground in dirt, like beets, I soak them in a half sink-full of cold water with about a tablespoon of baking soda for about ½ hour. This is my preferred way to clean my mustard, turnip and collard greens. I rinse with cool water after rubbing and soaking.

  • Cleaning sinks and tubs.

    • After the boxes I use to deodorize the refrigerator and freezer need to be changed, I use these old boxes as cleansers for my bathroom and kitchen. This is the ultimate two for one!

  • Tenderizing greens.

    • Sometimes I just can’t find the small (young) collard green leaves, only the large ones, which are almost always tough. If cooking them a little longer than usual doesn’t work or I don’t have time to cook them for extra time, I put a pinch or two of baking soda in the pot toward the end of the cooking cycle. They easily go from tough to tender in a matter of minutes. I also use this method with other tough greens.

  • Cleaning my locks.

    • When I wore my hair straight and had product build up on my strands and my regular shampoo wouldn’t work, I would just switch to a different shampoo. That doesn’t always work with my dreadlocks. A natural hair care specialist gave me the tip of cleaning my locks with baking soda and this has worked well for me: I pour the desired amount of baking soda in a dish with enough water to make a paste. I then take the paste and rub it vigorously on a group of locks, particularly the ones where I can clearly see product and dirt build up. I rinse with warm water and my hair is literally squeaky clean. The baking soda can be drying so I make sure to follow up with a hot oil treatment.

    I hope these tips are as helpful for you as they are for me. Besides for baking, what are some ways that you use baking soda?

    Copyright 2011 by Rhonda J. Smith

    Gaining from Gloating

    Posted on by
    2

    What Do You Think? Wednesday

    Sometimes you just don’t hit it off with people. No matter how you engage them in conversation, do a good deed, smile and give a hug, some folks just won’t be your best buds. I knew this when I met one of my husband’s relatives about 10 years ago. The whole night she talked about how the Lord had blessed her with a new home and a new car. She showed off her jewelry and talked about other material ambitions. I’m sure I twisted my face and rolled my eyes a few times before leaving the room. I couldn’t stand being in her presence. When I think back to it I probably didn’t like her because the pride I saw in her was what I hated seeing in myself. I couldn’t express that then, only “I don’t care if I ever see her again, Flynn.” But I did, on Monday, and briefly thought about not acknowledging her because she hadn’t noticed me. I decided against that. After reminding her who I was and getting her name again, she commented on my children and quickly said, “I’m so glad my kids are beyond that stage.” And I mustered a smile and shook my head knowingly; she continued texting, and that was the end of our conversation.

    Just the other day at the library some stranger hurried my sons on the elevator and said to me, “I’m so glad my children are grown. I had boys and they were busy.” I simply smiled. What do you say to people who don’t think before they speak, who assault you with their thoughts, who gloat about their gratitude, which serves to shame you? Ten years ago, I would have twisted my face and rolled my eyes and served up some shame of my own. But I have learned to smile and nod and not be tangled on the inside. “It is God that girdeth me with strength, and maketh my way perfect.” Because God has me in the season of small ones and different opportunities, I can gently ignore others who may have despised their season. My best friend Renee’s favorite verse is “The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me” (Psalm 16:6). And I have claimed its message strong in this season of small ones and different opportunities, knowing they all come from Him. I may not hit it off with everyone I meet, but those encounters will always show me how much I have grown (or need to grow), and that is a good thing.

    What encounters have you had that showed you how much you have grown or need to grow?

    Copyright 2011 by Rhonda J. Smith