Have you been so controlling that a guy ranted about you like this?
After reading the blog entry “Wrong Control,” I was moved me to write a response from a man’s perspective based on my own experiences. I have had a couple of experiences with “strong black women” exercising control in one way or another and in each relationship, the woman tried to control me as a way of protecting herself from being hurt! One would use the silent method, expecting me to be able to figure out what she wanted or needed. She had written the script in her mind but failed to share it with me, the lead actor. I was supposed to miraculously figure out the plot then play my part accordingly without any practice or dress rehearsal! So needless to say when I “acted out of turn” the arguments began which a good majority of the time were made out to be my fault!
I consider myself a very compromising, good-natured, giving man so when a woman tries to “control” me, it puts me on alert because of what I witnessed and was also subjected to as a young man growing up. I not only watched my mother control my father to a certain extent, using innocent manipulative tactics, but I also was a victim of these same tactics. Being so much like my father in how I try to treat a woman with respect and adulation, I find myself being misunderstood by the women I seek to honor. It’s as if they do not believe I am “real” and go about doing “things” to test me!
Silence is one test. This one woman she did so much talking about miscellaneous subjects, but when trying to express her feelings for me, she remained mute! Just like the other woman, she had written a script without giving me a copy and wondered why the story didn’t end the way she had it in her mind! Another test was always talking about her. When I wanted to talk about me, she didn’t seem to have the same attention span I gave her! A third test was having to know when the woman was in need or when I was supposed to hail her greatness. Half the time she acted like the damsel in distress and sought advice, but the other half was spent “tooting her own horn” as if justifying why I should be happy to be connected to woman like her! I would give her advice, but from time to time get chastised for not simply listening. Of course, after so many of these talks, I realized it was all about her and I was supposed to be there when she wanted me and how she wanted me!
From my experiences, it seems the common denominator has been insecurity! These “strong,” educated, good job having black women all tried to control me in one way or another out of a lack of security with themselves! The one area where they knew they were vulnerable was “love” so they tried to control this area so that their vulnerabilities wouldn’t be exposed! They were exposed anyway and so now all they are left with are their same insecurities and a desire to stay in control! Did Janet Jackson really have Jermaine Dupri in mind when she first pursued control of her life?
By Curtis Anderson Jr.