Category Archives: Recovery

Chivalrous Love

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Before I met my husband, my dad was the sweetest, most thoughtful and chivalrous man I knew. Curtis Anderson Sr. doted on my mom so much that one of her single girlfriends had the nerve to ask my sister would she mind having her as a stepmom if something ever happened to my mother. My dad would open doors, buy her things before she asked and rarely raised his voice with her. He was the family chef, so my mother never had to cook a meal nor did my siblings or I. To this day my brother is surprised that my sister and I cook so well, never being made to learn to cook or prepare a family meal. We were so self-absorbed, we never even volunteered. My father loved to give and I loved that he loved to give. To this day most of the classic suits I own are the ones my dad bought me, sometimes just because “they looked like you.” In my eyes he was the perfect man. No one could replace my daddy, but with Flynn I get that same love. In the beginning of our relationship, though, I almost blew it.

We were riding in the car one evening when dating and I took out something to read. Without me having to ask, Flynn turned on the light to help me see. Most normal people would have said “Thank you.” I, instead, began to berate him, telling him that I didn’t need his help and if I wanted the light on I could have turned it on myself. He responded with a soft word and had the nerve to still date me. Like my father, he saw a need and sought to fulfill it. Flynn wanted the best for me, but I was a strong black woman gone berserk (is that redundant?). He was trying to help me yet I saw his chivalry as controlling me, imposing his will on my life and thus redefining who I was. That little act spoke loudly the type of bondage I was in and that so many recovering strong black women are in. We shun the help that comes to us even though we are struggling:

So, then, brethren, we are not children of the bondwoman but of the free. Stand fast, therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.—Galatians 4:31-5:1

Quench not the Spirit.—1 Thessalonians 5:19

I think we forget the position God has placed us in. Like a caring father or husband, Jesus Christ saw our need and gave of Himself and through the price He paid to take away our sin we have been grafted in the body of Christ. We have been provided for even when we didn’t know we needed provision. We have been given sight when we couldn’t see. We are constantly doted on and directed because of Christ’s deep love and care for us. He never imposes His will upon us but makes it clear and empowers us to want it and choose it, all for our good. We too often resist His love and choose the bondage of self-will. But Jesus is ever present, vowing to never leave us or forsake us. With His presence and our desire to let Him lead we will break out of bondage and surely succeed.

I praise God for a father and a husband who remind me of Jesus. And I praise God for regulating my mind when I didn’t accept Flynn’s love, giving me a second chance to receive what He knew I needed.

How have you rejected God’s blessings? How have you been able to adjust your mind to receive what God has for you?

Copyright 2011 by Rhonda J. Smith

My One Thousand Gifts List

#111-120
Andrina’s safe travel to and from Cleveland for Aunt Lois’ funeral
Andrina helping me to get Xfinity operating
God giving me an on the spot 1 Peter 5:8 bible study to help Joshua deal with Alexis
Joshua understanding the bible study
Joshua accepting his punishment for destroying the air freshener cap
Managing the children without anger
Preparing a tasty, fast and simple dinner
A lack of desire for meat
Intimate time with Flynn
Nate sleeping through the night

Soul Deep Beauty

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Esther Rolle on Good Times



Actress Esther Rolle

Once a friend of mine ridiculed me for thinking Esther Rolle, Florida on Good Times, was beautiful. Though she lived in the ghetto on TV with an angry husband, a buffoonish son and two other children who were in his shadow, I thought Florida was regal. She always held her perfectly shaped afro head high, had a dazzling smile that pronounced her high cheekbones, and beautifully smooth dark skin that looked good with her standard orange attire. When I asked her why she didn’t think Rolle was beautiful, she couldn’t tell me or didn’t want to tell me. See, her daddy told her just like mine told me that black is beautiful and good hair is any hair that you have on your head. She couldn’t tune her mouth to say that Rolle was ugly because she was dark and she had nappy hair. If she said this, she knew she would be saying that black isn’t beautiful and nappy hair ain’t good. She settled for “Wow, you believe that?” And I said, “Yep, I do” for all the reasons I said above and for the Bible scriptures below:

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.—Genesis 1:27

For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities–all things were created through him and for him.—Colossians 1:16

And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.—Genesis 1:31

God, the creator of all things, was intentional when he created man—male and female—making us in His image and saw His creation as “very good.” Because of these verses, I can say with David “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14). I can say Rolle was fearfully and wonderfully made and so is the pale lady with the large blue eyes, the blue-black man with the straight hair, the tall scrawny kid with the freckled face, and the olive-skinned lady with the coarse wild mane. I say with David to God “Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” Like God’s intentional hand in making the physical me, my daddy had an intentional hand in making the soulish me. And I’ve searched and studied the Scriptures to mature the soulish me, to get my mind, will and emotions to agree that all of God’s creation is “very good.” This is soul deep beauty, transcending spiritual and politically correct talk and helping us walk out God’s truth. I hope we seek soul deep beauty for us and our children so we believers can hold up God’s standard and impact humanity for good.

Check out my new column in EEW Magazine that challenges parents to teach their children against dark-skin prejudice.

What have been your challenges to believe God’s beauty standards and not society’s beauty standards?

Copyright 2011 by Rhonda J. Smith

My One Thousand Gifts List

#81-90
Clean clothes to change into
A baby talking in his sleep who stayed asleep
Time talking to God in the night of morning
A strong desire for God’s company, direction
Being able to pay for a ticket and get a court date for other citations while on lunch break from trial
Getting to court only two minutes late
The trial evidence not being complicated
A group of friendly fellow jurors
A tasty lunch
Sunshine

Ugly Women?

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What Do You Think? Wednesday

It is so important to know who we are in Christ:

  • A royal priesthood (1 Peter 2:9)
  • A selected and treasured people (Titus 2:14)
  • An anointed people (2 Corinthians 1:21)
  • Fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)
  • An heir with Christ (Titus 3:7)
  • Made for good works (Ephesians 2:10)
  • Able to walk in wisdom, display the fruit of the Spirit, righteousness, and everything that is good (Colossians 4:5; Galatians 5:22-23; Romans 8:4; Philippians 4:13).

    • If we don’t know, we would be apt to snap back at this. This “scientific” article in a scientific magazine by a practicing scientist could make a recovering strong black woman stray from her path and put a brotha in his place. But I digress, suggest you read this (if you can get through it) and let me know what you think.

    Copyright 2011 by Rhonda J. Smith

    Warrior Wounds

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    When we hurt, from the hands of others who selfishly or thoughtlessly harm us, we can be doubled over in pain. Wounds so deep they have us bent and twisted, walking wayward toward unweeded paths that choke our very lives. We may seem erect, head held high, but our souls suffocate, unoxygenated, weak, running on emotional empty. We have been complicit with our culprits. They hurled the hurt and we caught and carried it, nursing our wounds with pride, pointing fingers at our offenders and saying how much better we are than they. We clean our cuts with cursing the air and them, choosing not to say anything but instead waiting for them to come talk to us.

    We can bandage our bruises with bitterness and wrap our hearts with hopelessness, and our self-concocted antiseptics are really creating septic souls, too diseased for anything healthy to grow. But we have a choice to negatively nurse or nutritionally nurse our wounds. We can choose to start with prayer.

    Nothing brings such leanness into a man’s soul as a lack of prayer.—Charles Spurgeon

    Prayer is not designed to inform God, but to give man a sight of his misery; to humble his heart, to excite his desire, to inflame his, faith, to animate his hope, to raise his soul from earth to heaven.—Adam Clarke

    Trouble and perplexity drive me to prayer and prayer drives away perplexity and trouble.—Philipp Melanchthon

    And prayer begins with praise. Here, in the praise, is where God meets us (Isaiah 61:3). On Wednesday and Thursday, when I sought him to help my hurting and angry soul, the praise produced this: “You are in the presence of greatness,” as I saw my offenders’ faces in my head; and “You value people,” the word a daughter of mine told me when expressing her amazement at my ability to spend time with others and not neglect my family. I told her this was God’s grace and God reminded me that I can deal with my offenders by His grace.

    His grace enables me to see greatness and not the grief they caused me. They are fearfully and wonderfully made, complex creatures made in His image but subject to human frailties. And when they fail me and I want to tell them how they failed me I must remember that I “value people,” and treat them with the respect worthy of a person of greatness. When I devalue them, I devalue God and have suffocated my soul. God’s grace nutritionally nurses our wounds and helps us speak the nourishing truth.

    I praise God for a healed soul, for helping me think of my offenders with love, not anguish and languishing, and for helping creating in me warrior wounds, spiritually fought battle scars that remind me to seek God and apply only what He says. Jesus is the balm we need.

    Copyright 2011 by Rhonda J. Smith

    My One Thousand Gifts List

    #51-60
    The Bloom Book Club
    My many journals
    Justus staying the night in the crib
    A good night’s rest
    Time wht Flynn away from the house and children
    Bobbi for babysitting
    Winston for shoveling the snow
    Fellowshipping with Darryl and Marcy
    Accepting I have to develop a new friendship
    Family devotion

    I Can’t Do This

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    What Do You Think? Wednesday

    In the early morning hours trying to put me and some projects to bed I told God “I can’t do this” as I folded laundry while I waited for double-sided papers to come through the printer. This was 2 a.m. when I was still organizing activities so my expanding writing and speaking ministry fit with my ever so steady wife and mommy ministry. Holding up a towel, I said, “I’m good doing this. I can do this. I know how to do this.” Then in my spirit I knew that was the problem. I’m comfortable in my homemaking role and that of supporting my husband and caring for my children. This I have done full-time for five and a half years, the last three with very little outside of the home ministry. But God has shifted me and I feel that shift in my spirit. I know it’s time to move beyond my walls and blog; I have to follow God’s call, even—especially—when it seems impossible. He operates there, wanting His strength to be made perfect in our weakness so we know just who did what we did (2 Corinthians 12:9). I exist for God’s glory (Revelation 4:11). I must follow His story for my life. How about you?

    In what ways have you been hesitant to move beyond your comfort zone and into the greater things God has for you?

    Copyright 2011 by Rhonda J. Smith