Category Archives: Motherhood

Dare to Date

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This season of mothering has been intense for me as my children’s personalities, likes and dislikes are becoming clearly evident. At times it can be scary for me, wondering if I am guiding them right, bending their wills to the will of the Lord without stripping them of the essence God gave them to worship Him. As a recovering strong black woman I fight against trying to control situations. I want to be clear about the difference between training my children to give them a good foundation and simply trying to make them do what I believe is best for them. Though I always seek to operate according to God’s Word, sometimes the lines are blurred when raising my beautiful strong-willed boys. Though I have a few years before they will be of typical dating age, I have recently been thinking about whether or not to let them date. My great concern is their spiritual, physical and emotional integrity. I know that I can’t prevent them fornicating, but I also know I don’t have to make it easy for them either; I don’t have to give my blessing to an supervised one-on-one interaction where temptation may just be too great for them or the girl they are with to control themselves. These are some of my early thought about whether or not I will allow my boys to date (and my husband feels the same way). Read my latest EEW column, which begins below, for more of my thoughts on this:


Whether to let our teens date can be a hairy decision for us Christian parents. We have to consider issues like if our children are mature enough to handle the emotions that come with being in a relationship, if we are providing easy access for them to sin and how they will handle a likely breakup. My oldest child is almost 10 so I have a few years before I really concern myself with his dating, but for some of you the time is now and perhaps more intense as prom season is upon us.

Should you let your children date? Is it biblical to do so? I can’t say for sure, but as I look back on my tumultuous dating life and my hand in helping my goddaughter decide about dating I just don’t know if I will let my sons date. The cons seem to outweigh the pros, not in number but in the potential impact the cons could have on them. Do I risk a lifetime of heartache for a few moments of seeming pleasure for them? Do I let them experience what many term a teenage rite of passage just so they won’t feel left out? To bring perspective to this issue, I talked to Christian parents who have made firm decisions, some to allow their children to date and others who forbid dating. I share their words and scriptures I have been meditating on to help you decide what is best for your children. Read more here.

My One Thousand Gifts List

#561-570
More clothes to giveaway to a couple with a new baby
A beautiful card and monetary gift from a beloved couple
A challenging sermon about racial reconciliation
A pastor who hears from God
Christen babysitting the children
A dinner date with Flynn
A blog custom-written for someone God had on His mind
A Bible study with Joshua in Nehemiah
Joshua asking can we have a “word of the week,” a new big word to learn
God’s grace in caring for the children while Flynn was at DBI

The Primacy of Marriage

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Living this life can be tough. We all have so many responsibilities that seeking to manage them all indeed is more than a full-time job. Juggling several responsibilities often leads to a high level of stress and can cause us to handle issues out of their proper order just to get them done. For recovering strong black women, who have traditionally made things happen their own way, following another’s design for order may not be something we are inclined to want to do. But God has an order for all things, including marriage, and expects us to follow. I am so grateful God has continually impressed on my heart the importance of marriage though I have stumbled at times with putting it first. Read more of what I have to say about the primacy of marriage, for married and single women, in my latest EEW Column, which begins below:

I wake up rushed many days, having slept longer than I wanted, keeping me from having a few hours alone before the children arise. On these days we rise within 20 minutes or so of each other because I have stayed up late hanging out with my night-owl hubby. This wasn’t always the case. While I worked hard in some areas to have a strong marriage, like seeking to be gentle in my speech, I was a stickler about going to bed at 9 p.m., well before Flynn wanted to call it a night.

I wanted to be able to wake up at 4 a.m. to have half the morning to myself to pray, study the Bible, clean the house and help my husband get off to work. I would spend the rest of the day pouring into the children and in the evening I was too wiped out to talk much beyond children updates, let alone have regular physical intimacy with my husband. Though my husband and I have always been good friends, I knew there was a level of closeness we didn’t have and I knew it was because we both had opted for me to rest from being so tired from giving to the children. Even on this “small” scale we, without even being conscious of it, were allowing the children to pull our marriage apart by putting their needs above our own.

Maybe you can relate to this because this happened to your parents or is happening to you. Most of your hours are spent doing for the children, carting them to this practice and that program, assisting with homework and engaging in the everyday life of nurturing children. Yes, our children need us, but we can’t put our children before our marriage, be that marriage to a spouse or, for single women, to God. And when Christian marriages are torn apart, the Kingdom of God is torn apart. Read more at EEW Magazine.

My One Thousand Gifts List
#541-550
Editing an article for a website
Skinning and seasoning chicken with amazing quickness
Flynn grocery shopping
Being able to iron Flynn’s clothes for church
Justus lying on my chest after nursing
Justus holding my finger, leading me to the den and not wanting to let go
Great, clear direction from God
A fast and informative blog post
An interview on the Chocolate Pages Network
Kamil picking up and babysitting the boys so I could go to court

Been There, Done That

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“Been there, done that.” I don’t know who originated that saying but it bothers me. I admit that I am guilty of having used the phrase myself, but stopped after people have used it in conversations with me that seem belittling. Most times folks’ use of the colloquialism was not the thought of “I can’t go back into that foolishness” but the declaration of “You’re still there? I’m past that stage.” People who are conquerors, recovering strong black women among them, sometimes forget that as Christians we are MORE than conquerors but only so through Jesus Christ (Romans 8:37). He deserves the credit for every hurdle we jump, every river we roll through, and every storm we survive, for us being alive. “Been there, done that” just seems to place the focus on us and not God who has worked through us. Maybe it’s just me, but you can read more about my thoughts in my latest EEW article where I discuss people’s use of “Been there, done that” in the context of parenting and a suggested biblical response for handling those who use the phrase to belittle you. The column focus is on parenting but has broader applications. Read it and make your comments here on the blog or feel free to comment on the magazine site. I am thankful for a God-given response to “Been there, done that” belittlement so I can maintain my Christian testimony even in this area.

My One Thousand Gifts List

#481-490
Leslie’s book of poems arriving in the mail
Dinner with friends to celebrate my birthday at Benihana
My wonderful husband for planning my birthday celebration (his first time in 14 years)
Flowers from the Criners, bringing a touch of spring in my home
My iPhone arriving
A letter from Daniel (a thank you note and a small picture)
Studying 2 Peter 1 early and getting an outline for the discipleship lesson
Josh and Nate using their manners with and helping each other
Getting my blog done without stress
Visiting a friend at the hospital

Release the Secret, Release the Pain

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There are deep dark secrets no one wants to talk about. We’ve all had them and may have believed sharing was forbidden. Shame says we are to blame. Peace takes a back seat to shame and has us wearing our feelings on soul’s edge, always there ready to direct us, keep us in bondage. After all, strong black women have to keep it together even if we’re in prison. Well, I know prison was never meant for me so I let my secrets out. They ran from me and into the arms of those who needed to embrace my story to help them release theirs. When I let my secrets loose so too went my soul, and others’, free from the enemy’s lies about who I am and what I’ll never be.

Freedom is sweet when you can speak the truth and not allow what happened define you in a negative light. The future is always bright for believers in Christ, for faith stands and provides penetrating light for needed transparency. This is the case, I believe, with my latest EEW column that begins below on protecting our children from sexual abuse. Please read, glean and offer your insights and questions in the magazine comment section. As always, please feel free to comment here on the blog, too.




She didn’t think anyone would believe her. He told her this, said they would believe it was her fault, that she wanted to play their game, that she would shame her name. So she shrunk in silence, only the tears crying out her pain during their touching game. Maybe the abuse occurred a few times, but she was forever changed.

We have heard this before. Some sexual predator targets a child, our child, and we find out about the abuse long after it stops. Our once outgoing child now seems nervous and scared. Perhaps she doesn’t want to visit with a certain relative, is acting out in school, is sexually active or is chronically depressed. We don’t understand the behavior, then the child finally reveals the unmentionable happened to her. Maybe it was her father, stepfather, uncle, cousin, pastor or his neighbor. Little girls and boys are being sexually abused right in our midst. Somehow some of us don’t think it’s supposed to happen to us. We’re good church folks and this doesn’t happen, shouldn’t be happening, to us. So when the abuse occurs some of us perpetuate the cover up. We don’t want it said that it happened to our family. Then some of us are unknowingly complicit; we sit in silence because we just don’t know what to do. Read the rest at EEW Magazine.

My One Thousand Gifts List

#461-470
Showering and dressing the boys without stress
A meeting that provided much-needed revelation
Having a breakthrough moment with a friend who challenged me to interrupt her to talk about me when she is talking incessantly about herself
Folding all and putting away most of the laundry
A shower before Justus awoke and without interruption from Nate
Devotion time early with Nathaniel
Visiting my grandfather and giving him water and reading John 1 to him
Attending Science Night at Joshua’s school and hearing him say, “I wish we could stay here. I’m loving this.”
All the boys competing then taking turns to kiss Flynn
Carla calling to check on me

Whitney’s Help

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When I was 12 and a little less than carefree I had big dreams. I wanted to be a writer and a magazine owner. That fashion magazine would be for black girls like me, fun and funky and for those who wanted to talk about black girl issues, like what to do with kinky hair and when, if ever, we should shave our legs. I had these big dreams because I had great parents who encouraged me to dream and I had Whitney Houston.

She was the first black girl I saw grace the pages of Seventeen and she did so more than a few times. When I saw her I knew there could be space for me, that I wouldn’t have to push as hard to make it into a business that focused little on girls like me. Though Whitney Houston was a great singer, my memory of her is of a fashion-industry barrier breaker and seeing her giving me the courage to do the same.

As the world mourns the of death Houston, this woman so often called a strong black woman who wrestled with many issues, probably some we will never know, I wonder who Houston had to encourage her. I wonder was the pressure of all her ‘firsts’ just too great for her that she had such a hard time seeing and trusting the God who made those firsts possible. Though gospel singer Kirk Franklin tweeted that he “knew” fame killed Houston, we may never know. But what I want us to remember as we are teaching our children to be excellent in Christ is that our children need our constant encouragement so that even before their excellence manifests they have something to hold on to when their trouble comes. Let us do whatever the Holy Spirit leads us to do to help our children remain hopeful in the midst of their disappointment, in the midst of their trials and pain. I am thankful that we have a God who is there to give us the guidance that we need. Read more about encouraging our children in my latest EEW article.

My One Thousand Gifts List

#441-450
Swinging with Justus
Hearing Justus say “wee” as I pushed him in the swing
Flynn hearing my heart about him needing to cut out something in ministry
A full, informative blog post
A half hour nap
Being on a guest list
Seeing all black women in the Black Women Rock band
Not having to hear anyone call me and enjoying being alone at the concert
Sharing my faith comfortably at a gathering with several non-Christians
Connecting with an artist and seeing her joy at receiving my First Year of Motherhood book