Me & Flynn on our anniversary, 8/8/10
The Loving Husband
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Category Archives: Marriage
Boys Rule
The following is not an excerpt from my book but continues to illustrate the concept of how the spirit of Jezebel fuels strong black woman fires.
“Boys rule. Girls don’t,” Joshua exclaimed from the other room as he was watching some commercial that showed children somehow interacting. After asking what he meant, he said, “Boys rule because they can be husbands and girls can only rule their children.” You know I was taken aback. He understood the assigned roles of husbands and wives in the home, gathered from the structure of our home, and expressed this in his 7-year-old way, but I was not impressed with his theology; I was concerned about his sexology. His domineering tone of “boys rule” hallowed my gut and made me think “He’s a little sexist in the making” and all I wanted to do was tell him all the ways that I, a “girl,” ruled beyond overseeing my children.
I wanted to tell him that I led my classrooms as a teacher, ran my department as a director, organized my team as a department coordinator, rallied my sorors and church members as committee chair for several committees and with most of these I was leading women AND men. Then I thought to explain how “only” ruling my children was the most important, exhausting and rewarding job that I ever had so now it tops the list of my daily responsibilities. But I didn’t say any of this because I recognized that Jezebel was haunting me and trying to scare me into standing up and taking my place in the eyes of my 7-year-old. She urged me to make him see that I, too, was worthy of broad-based rulership recognition in his eyes. I may have wanted him to say “Boys rule and girls do, too,” but Jezebel wanted Joshua to say “Girls rule and boys don’t.” She wanted me to displace my husband all so that my son could see another “boss” side to me (1 Timothy 2:12).
Though I am clear that my husband should be leading the home and am pleased that he’s not a tyrant, I want to listen to Jezebel. Though I have no doubt that my role is to manage the home, including being the primary manager of the children, I want to follow Jezebel’s ways. Though Joshua has acknowledged “you pastor your disciples,” I want to choose Jezebel’s words so that Joshua can see through me that “girls rule.” Besides talking to my husband about our need to be more purposeful in teaching our sons about gender equality in personhood, I kept my mouth shut with Joshua. I realized that I wouldn’t be trying to lovingly teach him about gender equality. I wanted to right the wrong of his thinking, to get him to see that girls rule too. But really it wasn’t about being right; it was about being recognized. When you want to be recognized you follow your own standards; you do what you think is necessary so that you are recognized even if it’s just in the eyes of your 7-year-old son. But when you want to be right, you follow God’s standards. You do what He told you to do no matter what anybody thinks about it. When you want to be right, you accept what God has for you and don’t seek approval from man. When you want to be right, you humble yourself and wait on God to exalt you, even in the eyes of your 7-year-old son.
So I waited, but I guess subconsciously I thought God was taking too long to exalt me. Over the weekend, I stopped waiting and went along with Jezebel, and it was not pretty. Tune in next time and I’ll tell you all about that then.
Copyright 2010 by Rhonda J. Smith
Day 17: Married Jezebels
When people see you do they get the impression that you aren’t married? When people see you, is your husband never around? If he is around, how do you sound when speaking to him? How do you sound when speaking about him? What are your actions in reference to him? These questions are for married AND single women because we are both wed to someone.
And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband (1 Corinthians 7:34).
Aside from pleasing God, a married woman’s major goal is to please her husband. For single women, the primary goal is to please the Lord. In order to do this we have to make sure that we aren’t acting unmarried and overconfident—being Jezebel—in relation to our husbands and God.
The name Jezebel means unmarried and she was Zidonian, a people group known to be over-confident and who showed no caution at all (Judges 18:7). And when you read about Jezebel, she epitomized her name. She took charge over her husband and his affairs as if she were his mother and talked to him without regard to his feelings. Does this sound like you? Do you take charge over your husband and his affairs? How about God? Do you take charge of the business God has given you without regard to HOW he would have you to do it? Do you say things like, “You know my heart God” after doing or saying what you want? You may be a Jezebel and didn’t even know it, but you can always change.
Acting unmarried while you’re married and being overconfident are unlawful acts, going against the very standard of God and God himself. When God created the provisions for marriage, Jezebel was the antithetical model. If we’re out of order we can get in order by examining ourselves for Jezebel and declaring war on this lawless part of our souls.
Copyright 2010 by Rhonda J. Smith
Day 11: One of Those Days
I kept hearing another tune about her, one that would prompt me to compose a poem but the rhythm was stilted; it just wouldn’t come. There would be ebbs and flows and then I had to let go because the poem about the strong black woman just wouldn’t come. I was examining her history, seeing how she came to be, even be me, but the words wouldn’t come. Maybe they stayed away because they didn’t want to add to my already crowded day. As I kept inviting them in, their refusal helped me to see that my day is what I should share. Yeah, it’s been one of those days. Continue reading
Submission Benefits
If you want to know the state of Christianity, take a look at Christian marriages. What you will find is divorce among Christians is as high as those of non-Christians (The Barna Group of Ventura, California). Christian husbands and wives are intended to be role models of what Christianity is all about. As it stands, Christian husbands and wives have been poor examples for the Christian faith, and, because of this, I believe the impact of Christianity has suffered. Nonetheless, the mandate for husbands and wives still remain. We are to model Jesus Christ’s relationship to the church. Our marriages must show what good leadership and good submission are about, thus putting our great sacrificial leader on display and showing why we sacrifice our lives for Him.
But I don’t know how many of us consider that our marriages are a model to impact Christianity. I don’t know how many know that husbands and wives are both called to submit (a husband to God’s command of leadership and a wife to God’s command of submission to her husband). And I surely don’t know how many women realize that the calling of submission is greater for wives because we have to submit to God, other believers and to our own husband (James 4:7 and Ephesians 5:21, 22). And this greater calling gives us more opportunities to excel or fail. Because the lives of so many in our sphere are at stake, I want you to remember that submission sucks (see prior post). And because submission sucks, so many can be blessed through us. I believe the greatest individual beneficiary of submission is our own children.
When children see submission at work daily in us, they are ingrained with its power:
2) They understand order. With a hierarchal structure, children recognize authority and submission and can use this understanding in the workplace, whether they are a leader or subordinate.
3) They have stability, knowing they can count on the consistent provisions that their parents’ roles bring to the home as opposed to whichever parent feels like fulfilling a particular role on any given day.
4) They understand the interaction between Jesus Christ and His church. Even though they may not know that’s what they are seeing, as they study the Bible more, they will see that this interaction is being modeled in their home.
5) They understand how they should submit to Jesus Christ. Seeing submission at work paves the way for children to embrace submitting to salvation through Jesus Christ and to His lordship.
With children as the greatest individual beneficiary of submission, the body of Christ has the greatest chance of repairing its scarred reputation of being no different from (or worse than) the world. I believe our children who embrace submission because of our model will perpetuate God’s intent for marriage and cause thousands to be drawn to Christianity, thus building up the Kingdom of God. By submitting for your children’s sake, you submit for the Kingdom’s sake and become a repairer of the breach (Isaiah 58:12). Women, won’t you join with me to be (one of) the greatest factors to the growth of Christianity? Lay aside your flesh and move according to the Spirit. Let’s do this for Christ and His Kingdom.
Copyright 2010 by Rhonda J. Smith