Category Archives: Marriage

Defending Marriage as God’s Institution

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What Do You Think? Wednesday

As I stated on my Facebook page Monday, I have been ruminating on President Obama’s announcement of his personal opinion in favor of homosexuals being able to marry. I stated then that I don’t agree with his opinion but believed I needed to say more. As one who writes publicly I believe I need to say publicly more than I disagree. So this post gives some of my early thoughts that I’m sure will develop as I come to conclusions I have not yet reached.

First, this post is first and foremost a Christian’s response (mine) to a fellow Christian (President Obama) with whom I disagree. Second, I want to explore how a personal opinion impacts political decisions. And finally, as I always do, particularly on a What Do You Think? Wednesday, I want to invite you to give me your opinion that may add to the debate (not tear down anyone for their opinions).

“In the beginning God…” (Genesis 1:1). This begins the Christian narrative of creation. God existed before He created anything. When He did, He decided to create the heavens and earth and what would dwell in each and how each would operate. He created land animals, sea animals, plants, trees, insects and other species that fit into some sort of system. He decided how the ecosystem would work. He decided how the family system would work. “And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, ‘This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh’” (Genesis 2:22-24). And Jesus repeats this standard in Matthew 19:4-6: “He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Genesis gives us God’s design for marital relationships—between a man and a woman—and Jesus expounds upon this, first repeating the original design and stating that divorce breaks apart God’s intent for men and women coming together in marriage. We know that divorce happens but that doesn’t change what God’s intent is for marriage. As some might believe, God is not speaking in isolated terms in Genesis when he specifies a man and a woman. This mention goes beyond Adam and Eve, as Jesus uses Genesis to make a proclamation of God’s doing, His putting a man and woman together. So, by application, divorce is not just individuals separating from one another but individuals separating—tearing apart—the original meaning of marriage to make it something new. “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matthew 19:6b). I believe redefining marriage is a tearing apart of God’s original intent for His institution therefore I do not and cannot support homosexual marriage.

And though I have used the narrative of the creator defining how His creation is to be from the Bible, the Christian’s guidebook, this is not a narrative limited to Christianity. As a Christian who believes all Scripture was given by inspiration of God and is beneficial for instruction in righteousness and that God desires that no man should perish, I believe His word and the intent of His word is applicable to all mankind (2 Timothy 3:16; 2 Peter 3:9). As a Christian who recognizes the authority of my creator over my life and the life of all mankind that He created, I believe I must follow His intentions and not my opinions, whatever they may be. Sure, God created us with free will, but He wants us to freely choose the best that He has for us. There are deadly consequences when we don’t choose what He wants for us (Deuteronomy 30). These consequences are not just for individual participants, but God doesn’t approve of people approving others who choose opposite of what He would want (Romans 1:32).

Though I don’t agree with President Obama’s support for gay marriage, I am not yet clear how my disagreement affects my support of him or any candidate who supports gay marriage or any other issue with which I disagree. I am well aware of the latest cliché “Obama is the president not the pastor of the United States.” Actually, this statement is not entirely true. Any individual put in charge of anything has been given the job of shepherding (pastoring) their responsibility. President Obama has been given the responsibility of shepherding the nation and thus the people that comprise the nation. He is to defend the constitution,which still has the Defense of Marriage Act and uphold the laws of the land, including the Defense of Marriage Act that defines marriage as between a man and a woman.

With that in mind, how much of an impact do personal opinions impact the job of shepherding and, therefore, affect the sheep? I know my personal opinions impact how I shepherd those under my leadership. I also know that my opinions impact how I support someone, including casting a vote in favor of political candidates. I know that it’s unlikely that I will agree with every decision a candidate makes. This is true in marriage or any relationship any of us has. We—I—just have to decide what issues are deal breakers. Can a candidate’s personal opinion translate into political policy? It could. With Mitt Romney as a Mormon, a member of a cult, and one whose business practices clearly seem to economically and otherwise disenfranchise those less fortunate than he, and President Obama who seems to have opinions and actions based mostly on political expediency, I am in a quandary. I have prayed and am committed to praying as to who will have my vote. I want to be in God’s will not my own. And only God can guide me in that way.

What do you think about President Obama’s support of gay marriage? Does his opinion affect your opinion of him? If so, how? Should a candidate’s support of gay marriage cause you not to support that person? Please, tell me what you think.

The Primacy of Marriage

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Living this life can be tough. We all have so many responsibilities that seeking to manage them all indeed is more than a full-time job. Juggling several responsibilities often leads to a high level of stress and can cause us to handle issues out of their proper order just to get them done. For recovering strong black women, who have traditionally made things happen their own way, following another’s design for order may not be something we are inclined to want to do. But God has an order for all things, including marriage, and expects us to follow. I am so grateful God has continually impressed on my heart the importance of marriage though I have stumbled at times with putting it first. Read more of what I have to say about the primacy of marriage, for married and single women, in my latest EEW Column, which begins below:

I wake up rushed many days, having slept longer than I wanted, keeping me from having a few hours alone before the children arise. On these days we rise within 20 minutes or so of each other because I have stayed up late hanging out with my night-owl hubby. This wasn’t always the case. While I worked hard in some areas to have a strong marriage, like seeking to be gentle in my speech, I was a stickler about going to bed at 9 p.m., well before Flynn wanted to call it a night.

I wanted to be able to wake up at 4 a.m. to have half the morning to myself to pray, study the Bible, clean the house and help my husband get off to work. I would spend the rest of the day pouring into the children and in the evening I was too wiped out to talk much beyond children updates, let alone have regular physical intimacy with my husband. Though my husband and I have always been good friends, I knew there was a level of closeness we didn’t have and I knew it was because we both had opted for me to rest from being so tired from giving to the children. Even on this “small” scale we, without even being conscious of it, were allowing the children to pull our marriage apart by putting their needs above our own.

Maybe you can relate to this because this happened to your parents or is happening to you. Most of your hours are spent doing for the children, carting them to this practice and that program, assisting with homework and engaging in the everyday life of nurturing children. Yes, our children need us, but we can’t put our children before our marriage, be that marriage to a spouse or, for single women, to God. And when Christian marriages are torn apart, the Kingdom of God is torn apart. Read more at EEW Magazine.

My One Thousand Gifts List
#541-550
Editing an article for a website
Skinning and seasoning chicken with amazing quickness
Flynn grocery shopping
Being able to iron Flynn’s clothes for church
Justus lying on my chest after nursing
Justus holding my finger, leading me to the den and not wanting to let go
Great, clear direction from God
A fast and informative blog post
An interview on the Chocolate Pages Network
Kamil picking up and babysitting the boys so I could go to court

Girly Pursuits to Godly Woman Dreams

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From the time we were little, babies even, we little black girls in a white male world were groomed to be strong black women and given the baggage that comes along with it: you are black and female, a double minority, so you have to work twice as hard to be considered half as good. But we didn’t want to be considered half as good. We wanted to be just as good, better, than they, white people, who caused our bags to be so heavy. We wanted to chuck the bags, but being a strong black woman required that we carry top-notch degrees, a stellar house, car and job, and lots of money. We sought a man who, too, could live up to these standards, but sometimes the chase was a waste of everybody’s time. One slip from the list and the man no longer had our attention, no matter how invested we were. This is what happens with vain pursuits, when excellence becomes the god we try to appease with temporal things and impressing people who don’t care anything about us anyway.

I got a clue about this after two degrees, a comfortable house, car and job, lots of money and a string of unfulfilled relationships, male carcasses lining my memory. I was filled with death, empty, and the excellence god was not appeased. On bended knee and an eye toward grace I prayed that God would give me exactly what I needed, including a man, since I didn’t know how to pick them anyway. My love for thugs and losing stats for bougie brothers left me leaning into some real worship. My nights left me lonely and some days I wondered what God had in store for me. When I got tired of the tears and feeling inferior to women with men, I welcomed God’s timetable and what He had to offer me. Within a few months of learning peace, God sent me a man of great peace, Flynn Andre Smith.

Flynn was no thug, had no love for bougie pursuits, made decent, but not a whole lot of loot, but I liked him and he liked me. We met doing business but wanted our next encounter to be personal and for more than a decade his love has been very personal. He knows my thoughts; caters to my wants; gives me whatever thoughtful things he wants for me; guides me to receive what I need; lovingly raises our sons to be men; plays and laughs with them and me; and covers me. He is God-fearing, nourishes and cherishes me and I delight in his presence, wait for his entrance, thank God for his existence and today being my husband for 13 years. I am grateful indeed, that God squelched my girly pursuits and gave me Godly woman dreams! Only God can change a love for thugs and bougie brothers to give you the man that you need.

Flynn & our boys at Veggie Tales Live 2010


My One Thousand Gifts List

#171-180
Taking the youngest two to the library
The restored and upgraded Parkman Branch Library
Two nice libraries close to my home
Leftovers
Clean and running water
Snacks for the kids
Joshua and Nate playing outside
Tabitha watching Nate and Justus so I could attend Joshua’s honors program
Joshua receiving two awards for scholarship
Supporting Joshua at his program

Loving Hard

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A woman’s got to do what a woman’s got to do, and sometimes it’s tough, making changes, rearranging schedules to accommodate loved ones. This is what I had to do for today. My pastor-husband, who goes to work every day and works every day for our family and church family providing fresh food for our bodies and souls and moves my soul with how he works, asked me to get a sitter to watch the boys so I could serve with him at a funeral. I went to work immediately because this hardworking man hardly asks me for anything and I wanted to help him. Though Monday is a blogging day and the weekend’s activities would prevent me from choosing another writing day to get my post done, I get a sitter. With a misplaced button for my only decent suit, questionable pantyhose, a puffy mane, little makeup remaining, and a heart hungry to be with my boys, I go and I get more,

More strength to make changes for my family
More resolve to serve them
More love for my hardworking man
More praise for a God who gave me all them
More awe of my sitter, who fed and dressed my kids and cleaned my house too
More appreciation for my role as a wife and mother
More desire to do whatever God desires me to do

all because of Janice Tucker and her family. Today Janice buried Chucky, her firstborn son born with CHARGE Syndrome, a rare genetic disorder affecting one out of every 9-10,000 births worldwide. Though Chucky had most of the issues that characterize CHARGE, including balance, breathing and swallowing problems and vision, hearing and speech loss, Janice, a young mother at 20, refused to put her son in an institution when doctors told her that she should; when they said this would be best because Chucky probably wouldn’t live past toddlerhood, Janice said, “That’s my baby. He’s going home with me.” And Chucky did and lived to see 25 years mostly from having a persistent, insistent and patient mom, a planner who arranged her family to meet Chucky’s needs. Her five other children and her husband who came after Chucky all loved and cared for him. Her mother and sisters and friends, his teachers and their neighbors all loved and cared for him. With hundreds of hospital visits, a tracheotomy, feeding tube, wheelchair and learning and living that wasn’t “supposed” to happen, God showed through Chucky and Janice and her family His grace is sufficient for all of us who have to make changes to accommodate our loved ones, that His strength shows up when we are weak (2 Corinthians 12:9). And we can do all things through Jesus Christ, whether tough or small, routine or newly in, when we remain faced toward God and put all our trust in Him (Isaiah 26:3; Philippians 4:13).

Copyright 2011 by Rhonda J. Smith

Husband Publicity Plan

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“My guy’s a keeper and I’m going to do all I can to show him I’m glad he’s mine.” This was the closing line from my blog post “The Loving Husband.” So how do I plan to do all I can to show him I’m glad he’s mine? I’m going to amp up the best of what I do, namely serve him and speak well of him. Check out my post “10 Ways to Nurture Your Husband” that details all these, but in this post I want to elaborate on speak well of him. Continue reading →