Category Archives: Control

Heaviness Lifted

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Ever lose something and have to call out a search crew to find it? That was the case Saturday when I couldn’t find my water bottle. Anyone who knows me knows that you rarely see me without my 32 ounce bottle. I refill it throughout the day to make sure I get more than half my body weight in ounces of water. To no avail, three of us couldn’t find my bottle and I had to leave the house without it or chance being late to an event. I felt lost without it. I didn’t know what to do with my hands. I kept reaching in the car cup holder and it wasn’t there. I just kept feeling that something was missing. When I returned home I looked again and, thank God, I found my water bottle. After recovering it I felt secure; I felt myself again. The same way I felt without my water bottle—that something essential for my life—is the same way I feel when I lose anything I need, including God’s favor.

Hear instruction and be wise, and do not neglect it. Blessed is the one who listens to me, watching daily at my gates, waiting beside my doors. For whoever finds me finds life and obtains favor from the LORD, but he who fails to find me injures himself; all who hate me love death (Proverbs 8:33-36).

On July 7, 2010 I lost God’s favor—his pleasure in or delight with me—in one area. This was the day God shared with me three points I needed to share with a friend in an area of her struggle. On that day, or soon after, I shared with her two of the three points. I rationalized that she got the message with the two that I shared and giving her the third would have been overkill, killing her spirit and possibly ending my ability to share with her on that level again. I felt good with what I shared but wondered if she needed to know that last point. On Friday in prayer God made clear that I had to share that point with her, that I “punked out” before and I couldn’t do so this time. Though I was nervous and though she was taken aback that I kept something from her for almost two years, I got out what I failed to share as she shook her head in agreement and said “un, un, un. I receive that.” She then scolded me for holding back something that “I could have been working on for two years.”

After apologizing and committing to never again hold back, I felt free, a great burden lifted that I didn’t even know was weighing me down. Almost immediately I had a great urgency to throw myself into the work of the Lord, something I hadn’t experienced in a while, perhaps two years, perhaps since July 7, 2010 when I received instruction but was unwise by choosing to neglect what I had been instructed to do. That July I lost my blessing for ignoring wisdom, lost favor from God, bringing to myself harm—a lack of joyful motivation to fulfill God’s call on my life, a death of my soul. I had lost God’s favor and didn’t even know I had. But God, who is rich in mercy, doesn’t want to withhold any good thing from me and wants me to choose life, sent out a search party of one—Himself—to dig into my heart to show me that His favor was missing (Ephesians 2:4, Psalm 84:11, Deuteronomy 30:19, Psalm 139:23-24). He wanted to show me that He was not pleased that I was disobedient when He told me clearly what He wanted me to tell my friend. Even in His displeasure God told me what I needed to do to please Him in this area again and He hasn’t stopped blessing me in other areas over the last 20 months. For His great love for me, being mindful of me even in my shortcomings and showing me my version of control was out of control, I am eternally grateful.

My One Thousand Gifts List

491-500
Witnessing a loving family
Cleaning my house without feeling stressed
A rich discipleship meeting full of aha moments
A surprise visit from Sharon (my minister sister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ) and her adding to the richness of my discipleship meeting
One disciple’s comment when learning Sharon was dropping by the meeting: “I looked forward to discipleship. Now I get a double portion.”
A normally reserved discipleship group member opening up during the meeting
My discipleship group celebrating my birthday with food, cake and a Blue Nile gift certificate
Having a rich meeting even while having to manage the children
How Flynn and I support each other in such an easy fashion
Sleeping in

Job Inadequacy

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“We are not the Holy Spirit so therefore inadequate to do His job.” This came to mind one day when I was trying to figure out what to do and the how to do of something. It was enormous, way above my head, but I contemplated handling it, taking it on MYSELF. As I worked, trying to finagle a process, my process, those words came to me: “We are not the Holy Spirit so therefore inadequate to do His job.” Grief and relief were my simultaneous responses, revealing the duality of my struggle. Wanting, really, to be God (though I never set out to be) and happy that I was not God. I was upset that I couldn’t handle my God-sized task and comforted that I couldn’t so I didn’t have to. This undoubtedly is a great issue in the life of recovering strong black women, all women (men, too), who have frequently counted on their strength above God’s. Tough work doesn’t easily scare us; we want to tackle the problem, wrestle it down, make it surrender to our will and leave us with arms raised in victory. But we are not always called to this, though this fight is our natural default. Natural default—our fault of nature, the sin nature preset to automatically tackle nature with our nature.
So we are told

  • to operate according to the Spirit so we don’t operate according to our nature (Galatians 5:16);
  • to declare our nature dead so the Spirit in us lives (Romans 6:11);
  • to not snuff out the Holy Spirit in us in preference to our nature (1 Thessalonians 5:19);
  • to remember that when our nature is weak, God is strong (2 Corinthians 12:9); and
  • to know that our fight is spiritual, not physical (2 Corinthians 10:3-5),

so that God can shine boldly through us. The challenge now is to constantly battle my nature, tackle and wrestle it down, keep it there so I can declare victory in the Spirit. I thank God that though my struggle is real, I have supernatural words that can do a supernatural work in me to accomplish what God would have manifest through me. Much more could be said….until another time…

My One Thousand Gifts List

#471-480
Flynn letting me wear his hat because I didn’t have one
Compliments on my new Facebook picture
Flynn loading the dishwasher
The realization that I don’t first greet God in the morning
God waking me up in spite of my sins
Tabitha watching the children in the morning AND evening
Attending Joshua’s Black History Month program
A play date with Nate and Jackson and talking to Kim
Mrs. Fisher waiting with Joshua until I arrived to pick him up
A beautiful birthday card from Nichole

Positioned to Plant

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“Give it up; give it all up.” This I heard God say when seeking Him about easing back into public ministry after taking a six-month maternity leave right before I had my second child. That was four years ago and I have yet to return to serve as my church’s women’s ministry assistant director, discipleship director and a regular bible teacher (all the positions that flashed in my mind when I heard God speak). I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I knew that God had planted me in women’s ministry and couldn’t understand why He would remove me from those positions. “How can I walk in my calling if I’m not in my positions?” Responding to my thoughts, I heard God say “They will come.” “How are they going to find me?” I responded. God was silent, probably laughing that I forgot that He was all-powerful and all-knowing and that He could orchestrate any scenario—in or out of my home—to help me fulfill my purpose. Of course, that’s exactly what happened.

In addition to the women who I had a direct discipleship relationship with, women began calling me to counsel and mentor them; I received two major writing assignments without having ever met the people who hired me; and my husband and I started counseling about some married and engaged couples. Through this blog, that God led me to begin after my transition out of public ministry, and other online sources, I have connected with so many women that I have ministered to and alongside. Yes, the women (and husbands) came right into my home, on my couch, through my phone and over my computer. In many ways my volume of ministry to women is more than it was when I was fully serving in public ministry. I would never have imagined this. Only God knew and He knows the same for you. Allow God to use you wherever you find yourself and whatever season you find yourself in. Though you may not have imagined being where you are, even thinking the timing of your season sucks, know that God wants to use you right where you are.

My friend Dianna just ministered a three-day revival where she, in essence, charged us to “sow the seed God gave us” wherever we are planted. She explained that God gives each of us a seed—a calling to win souls that we are to fulfill using whatever gifts and talents God gives us. And we are to use our seed, to sow it, right where we find ourselves, not where we think we should be. When she spoke, I thought of 1 Corinthians 12:4-7:

Now there are diversities of gifts, but the same Spirit.
And there are differences of administrations, but the same Lord.
And there are diversities of operations, but it is the same God which worketh all in all.
But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to every man to profit withal.

We may not have the same gifts as another but even if we do that doesn’t mean we should be in the same position (administration) or even use our gift the same way (operation). The difference in the administration and operation can depend on many aspects, including our calling, personality, ability, talent, season, and planting. I think those of us who know our calling and want to fulfill it get tripped up in the other areas. If we aren’t comfortable with how God made us (our personality, ability and talent) and place more emphasis on a position we have, then we will have a hard time being satisfied with operating in whatever season we are in. And the season dictates where we are planted.

So, we have to be scouts, looking for opportunities to sow our seed right where we are. If I weren’t forced to learn this I probably would have missed ministering recently to two of my mom’s friends—women in their 70s, right over my telephone. No, I didn’t imagine that, but God did and I am thankful that He had me switch positions so I could minister in places and to people that I otherwise would surely have missed.

What are some adjustments you need to make in your life so you can sow your seed right where you are?

My One Thousand Gifts List

#431-440
A great time in fellowship with one of my disciples with God giving me wisdom and prophetic words for her and me realizing why I didn’t feel led to eat breakfast
Nate sticking a rattail comb in a navel orange and saying, “It’s like a pirate (ship).”
Justus smiling after a bite of banana
Not being as upset as I normally would after not being able to book the date I wanted for an event
Switching my sad demeanor into gratitude after thinking how ridiculous my slumping was in comparison to the concerns of our Compassion son and folks who have suffered from recent natural tragedies
Joshua being out of school for two days so I got to sleep in
Being able to babysit for a new friend and feeding her and her son healthy food
Joshua and Nate playing outside
The entire family enjoying the meal
Taking the boys to the park

Go In

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My kitchen mostly has been my bane. I cook there. I clean there. I stress there. I don’t want to be there, but feeding three growing boys keeps me there indefinitely. I want a trap door, to go through the floor, to disappear to a quiet world of no cooking and rest in God’s blessed presence. But breakfast and snack and lunch and snack and snack and dinner and snack tie me there. Of the many rooms in my home, the kitchen has become my castle and it’s from here that I rule. Sandwiches, ladles and soup make for lousy scepters yet the children rush in with their demands. And I command and cook, cuddle and coddle, encourage and flourish for my family in the kitchen, but in the kitchen I had been missing what I desired most: to bring unadulterated worship into this space, to shed the labor and lavish my Savior with love. How can you go into the Savior’s presence when in your presence is a pile of dishes, a dirty floor and demands for more? How can you transform the routine into a greater thing?

After nine years of pleading and pressing through
After stumbling from false prayer starts to settle fussy babies then trying to make it through
After murmuring and complaining that I can’t make it through
After wanting to give up, sometimes giving up, prayer and knowing without it I couldn’t make it through

After crying and crying out and snottin’ and shouting out I made it through with the “afters” in my rearview, my daily list of gratitude driving them far from me. So in the kitchen on an early morning after quieting the 2 year old back to sleep and making lunches for the day I began to praise: the gift of running water to rinse the knife makes me utter praise; the gift of three types of sandwich spreads has me in praise; the gift of wheat bread AND spelt bread has me singing praise; the gift of feeding my kids has me roaring in praise; the gift of a loving husband who wants to make his lunch has me in praise; and the gift of unadulterated worship comes and I am overcome and want to fall to my knees but hesitate, not wanting to drop to an unclean floor. But the One I adore was born on a dirty floor, hay maybe, among smelly barn animals and surely noises coming from more than His mother. The manger, the only place available for His birth, became the praise room for the magi, the mother and the earthly father to worship the miracle. God, the Great I AM, came in flesh, born among animal flesh and probably mess, to fulfill prophecy, His pre-creation destiny to rescue us from self. So I drop myself to my dirty floor and I worship my Savior even more, knowing that He sacrificed, coming in contact with dirty floors, soiled hearts, and unrepentant souls, ministered to know-it-alls and received anyone who called on His name. The manger door was open. When the door is open sometimes you just have to go in. I went into His presence, became reborn in His presence and came out an anyplace worshipper that only Jesus could make me be.

My One Thousand Gifts List

#391-400
Listening to the Thursday Night Bible Study CD in its entirety early this morning
Nate waking up early so I was able to put him down for a nap when Simone, Tabitha, Alexis, Tanena and Josiah came over to watch a poetry DVD
The comedic styling of Nathaniel
Nathaniel and his self-satisfied looks
Hosting Simone, Tabitha, Alexis, Tanena and Josiah at my home and the sweet fellowship we enjoyed
Reading Motherhood for an uninterrupted period
Waking up about 10 minutes before Justus did and was able to release, turn on the stove to be cleaned and peel an orange before he awoke
Curt calling just to check in and telling me he was thinking about taking me to the Esperanza Spaulding concert
Being able to read in bed in the quiet of morning

Traditions Aside

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Some of us didn’t go to church yesterday. It was Christmas and service interfered with our tradition of getting up early and allowing the children to open and play with their gifts to their hearts content. We didn’t want to mess with tradition, the one we’ve held for years. I understand tradition. Years ago I bought a book full of ideas for making family memories. This has always been my desire. I want my sons to have etched in their minds that the Smiths did this on that holiday, went there those summers, made that for the birthdays and did this just because. I haven’t read the book, only glanced through it and haven’t tried any of its suggestions, but I have worked to create on my own memories throughout the year with visits to the park and libraries, baking a treat at least every couple of months and me chasing the boys around the house about once a week.

And, of course, we have our Christmas traditions: making cookies, opening up stocking stuffer gifts and watching Christmas DVDs on Christmas Eve, and having Christmas Eve brunch with my mom, siblings and their families. We managed to keep up some of the traditions this year though they looked a little different with my mom being in the hospital, today marking six weeks her being there.

Instead of leisurely, we hurriedly made cookies during commercials of one Christmas movie we found on TV, tiredly opened up our stocking gifts, and had a rushed brunch after church at my brother’s so we could all go to spend some time with my mom in her hospital room. The weeks since prior to Thanksgiving have been full of care and concern for my mom, has had me pulling double household duties and has left my whole family with little time and energy to do what we normally do. I have been laser focused on honoring my mother while still caring for my children and loving my husband. If I weren’t in strong black woman recovery I would need to be in somebody’s recovery program because the stress of my life would have me stressed out. But I welcomed unsettled movie watching, quick cookie making, blurry-eyed gift exchanging, and brief brunching knowing that my change in traditions would be for my mom’s betterment. And to see her eyes brighten and cry upon seeing all her grandkids sealed my feelings all the more. God’s leading must lead our traditions out of our way.

One day some Pharisees and teachers of religious law arrived from Jerusalem to see Jesus.
They noticed that some of his disciples failed to follow the Jewish ritual of hand washing before eating. (The Jews, especially the Pharisees, do not eat until they have poured water over their cupped hands, as required by their ancient traditions. Similarly, they don’t eat anything from the market until they immerse their hands in water. This is but one of many traditions they have clung to–such as their ceremonial washing of cups, pitchers, and kettles. ) So the Pharisees and teachers of religious law asked him, “Why don’t your disciples follow our age-old tradition? They eat without first performing the hand-washing ceremony.” Jesus replied, “You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you, for he wrote, ‘These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship is a farce, for they teach man-made ideas as commands from God.’ For you ignore God’s law and substitute your own tradition.” Then he said, “You skillfully sidestep God’s law in order to hold on to your own tradition.—Mark 7:1-9 (NLT)

When we decide to focus on what we have always done we miss what God is doing now. When we focus on our tradition, we miss what God is teaching. When we honor ourselves, we dishonor God and sometimes this dishonor comes when we decide to stay home from church to have our Christmas, effectively taking Christ, the object of Christmas and the one who commanded us to gather together, out of the holiday. We decided that we would follow our tradition and forget God’s tradition of assembling with the saints to worship Him together (Hebrews 10:25). And this following ourselves and not God concerns me. God has our best intentions in mind, but when we follow our ways and not His, surely we will not receive the best for ourselves. So I wonder, what type of heartbreak are we setting ourselves up for when we focus on man’s tradition above God’s tradition? What happens when the tradition breaks beyond our control? When a loved one dies, when we get sick and don’t have the strength that we usually do? What happens when our esteemed traditions change or don’t happen at all?

Traditions will change because people and circumstances do. The only way we can prepare for the change and not fall and STAY apart is when we do our part and follow God’s traditions. I am so grateful for God’s plans, those that inherently unreliable man can never change.

My One Thousand Gifts List

#371-380
Justus gurgling
Joshua telling me I’m the best mama in the “entire United States”
Cancelling lunch with a friend without being overwhelmed because I couldn’t go
For children who have the ability to cry, fuss, holler and complain
Parkman Branch library
A blog message
A reimbursement check from my insurance company
Extra monthly income
God sustaining me through a long day
God inhabiting my praises when I REALLY needed Him to today