Help for the Weak, Part 2: Why Give Up Your Freedoms

On Friday I had a good time of fellowship with one of my good friends. We walked and talked and ate and talked, but nothing trivial was on our minds, though we laughed at the little things, like hurting legs and sweating like pigs in the 90 degree weather. We talked about her recent graduation from seminary, other ministry pursuits, our families, our concerns, our strengths, and our weaknesses. Then she asked me this: “Has anyone ever asked you about your love for jazz and have you had to explain it to them?” No one had and I never had to explain this freedom in Christ that I have. I told her this. She said, “I was just wondering if someone younger in the faith had asked you about it.”

“Personally, I don’t see how jazz could be a stumbling block for younger Christians. There are no words, sensual lyrics or other bad language,” I said. “But, there could be sensual notes, I guess. And the music could take someone back to a sinful time in their lives,” I added.

Anything could cause someone to stumble,” she said. And I shook my head and nodded as she recounted her faith experience in a church that called any activity not labeled Christian as sin: going to the movies, listening to music and dancing topping the list. Her husband had to cease some activities on her sin list so she wouldn’t begin to question his walk with Christ and compare his walk with hers–his sinful and hers sanctified, and maybe even questioning if he were capable of leading her.

Through a number of experiences, including study of the Word, deep introspection and examining the lives of those strong in the faith, she has begun to walk in her freedom in Christ, publicly displayed at her 40th birthday celebration where a major portion centered on dancing (albeit to Christian music). She had begun to see that her denomination had put a burden on her that God Himself does not require. As she matured in her faith she was able to see that her attempt at pleasing God was structured by man and never intended by God. God had to reveal this to her, and my friend’s story is one we should well remember as we embrace biblical strength.

Remember, biblical strength is putting others’ needs above our own, not for some self-seeking martyrdom but for the glory of God’s Kingdom. So in the context of Romans 14 and 15, from which our text came in Part 1, we should refrain from dancing, drinking wine or listening to jazz if this will negatively affect a believer’s faith. Our voluntarily laying down our freedoms until others can grow in theirs is necessary for two main reasons: 1) so we don’t cause our weaker sisters to stumble and 2) it’s God’s job, not ours, to usher the weak in faith into maturity.

Through observation and listening, we will be able to tell which of our liberties could cause another believer to be drawn into sin. For instance, I know someone who had an issue with lust and seeing half nude images or reading a racy scene in a novel will cause her to have lustful thoughts that she will consider acting upon. I would never suggest us going to a movie or for her to read a book that might have sexual imagery, no matter how discreet or brief. We might think that all Christians should just walk in their freedoms in Christ so we might choose to encourage them to go see that movie or read that novel. When we do this, we are likely creating the stage for their downfall and trying to usher them prematurely into maturity. This is us walking in our human strength and trying to force others to ascend to where we are spiritually. We may have an understanding of our freedoms in Christ–a big part of spiritual maturity, but trying to force others to get there before time shows that we are trying to do God’s work and is a sign that we still have some growing to do.

Romans 14:4-10 challenges believers not to judge one another’s choices in honoring God because we all belong to God and He is the one who will judge us. Verse 4 gets to the crux of the matter: “Who are you to condemn someone else’s servants? Their own master will judge whether they stand or fall. And with the Lord’s help, they will stand and receive his approval.” God has the spiritually mature and immature in His hands and is well able, without our help, to get us to mature and please Him. As my husband, Pastor Flynn Smith, who directs our church’s Christian education department and years ago that took a group of us through a yearlong study in Romans, said: “The totality of the Christian existence is summed up in the fact that we belong to God and exist for His purposes.” We, therefore, must embrace biblical strength because that is what God has called us to. Doing so won’t cause our weaker sisters to fall into sin and will give God room to minister in their lives. God ministered to my friend and we have to trust that God will fulfill His word for others, too.

What freedoms have you had to give up so you wouldn’t cause another believer to stumble? What struggles have you had in conceding your liberties?

My One Thousand Gifts List

#651-660
Walking the Dequindre Cut with Joshua
Being available to care for a friend’s child
Flynn cooking dinner without me asking, just because he wanted to bless the family
Getting to the Prayer Walk on time
Seeing thousands of Christians gathered to pray to God for revival of the Detroit region
The wonderful praise and worship and the atmosphere of worship
God showing me four major distractions to revival: food, fellowship, fun and fame
A restful afternoon of a movie and sleep
Polishing my nails
Watching “Bride Wars”

Parental Disdain for Children

The last two weeks have overwhelmed me with the number of child abuse cases I have heard about. The volume and the acts have both taken life out of me and infused me with new mother life, making me more diligent to love my children the way God intends for me to love them. Even with my own resolve, I was moved to challenge others to examine themselves for even the slightest case of parental disdain for children, particularly their own. Read more about this in my latest EEW column, that begins below:


I warn you now. This article ain’t pretty. But how can it be, examining parental disdain for children that encompasses child hatred from gross sexual and physical abuse to cruel and even subtle mental and emotional abuse? The only way depths of sin can be extracted and discarded is if we identify and search for it, looking externally and internally. The ugliness of this wicked world and, sometimes and in some ways, in our homes, challenges us to look at the ugliness in our own hearts.

I cried like a baby when I heard the news: a 10-year-old girl weighed just 32 pounds, emaciated and malnourished, starved by the hands of her mother who locked the child in a closet where the child slept and relieved herself. Undoubtedly, the child experienced more than physical starvation, longing for her mother’s love, hoping someone would relieve her from pain and shame and confusion and wondering why this someone wasn’t her mother, why her mother was the one to do this to her. Even as I write I cry when I think of her; the 3 and 4 year old whose mother left them home alone so she could go party; the 4-year-old stepson of gospel singer James Fortune who Fortune scalded in a bathtub; and the victims of Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State football coach found guilty on 43 of 45 counts of sodomy and rape of young men entrusted to his care. All this, and the thought that Sandusky is apparently guilty of many more abuses, including sexually molesting his own son, has had me sad and contemplative for days. Read more here.

My One Thousand Gifts List

#641-650
An invitation to speak at the Mother’s Day luncheon for the LIFT Women’s Resource Center
A relatively stress-free evening alone with the children and the challenge they presented (like one of the little ones wetting his pants and flooding the bathroom floor while I was trying to cook dinner
My husband demonstratively enjoying my house burgers
A rich time of fellowship with God in spite of Nate interrupting me
Another year for my sister
Getting an unexpected box of food from my neighbor that I was able to share with someone in need
Charyse doing my hair
Giving clothes to Sharon for Caleb, my nephew
A flattering and encouraging critique consultation from Ms. Burke
Talking to Nichole on her way home from Chicago

Break Time

Last week I took a vacation to write. This week I take a vacation not to write (at least not extensively). See you soon.

Still counting gifts. . .

My One Thousand Gifts List

#631-640
A workshop at Joshua’s school
Not getting upset with my babysitter for being late
My babysitter watching the boys and cleaning my kitchen
Meeting Sharon, another Emerson parent
Ms. Turner giving me great information at the Reading Comprehension and Writing Workshop
Knowing I had a definite way to help Joshua with reading comprehension and essay writing
Invitation to present a poem at the Master’s Bible Chapel’s Mother’s Day event
Getting laundry done
Good fellowship with Taivia
A stellar book proposal critique from a reputable literary agency

Contemplating Sickness & Suicide

When you come to dark corners and they’re the end in your mind, do you make the end complete by bowing out of projects or consider bowing out of life? I’ve done both when the mantle of strong black womanhood was just too much, when other people’s demands let me know I had not enough to handle what was expected of me.

Erica Kennedy

I’m reflecting on that space today after I learned of the death of a sister-writer, Erica Kennedy, 42, a woman I never met, can’t say I ever read her words, but her life and now her death have impacted me. Her cause of death is not known publicly though various writings intimate suicide, brought on perhaps by depression or mental illness. I’m sad that Erica didn’t have what she needed, be it friends to talk to or medicine to take or something else, to help her cope in this life. Though another precious life is gone, I thank God that Erica’s death has sparked conversation about black women and depression and suicide. And for Christian women, we have the possibility to discuss more freely and without condemnation our struggles and that we need to go deep with Jesus so He leads us to our proper healing (which may include doctors and medicine). And we must always share our eternal hope in Jesus so others may receive salvation on this side of life and forever be with Him after death.

My One Thousand Gifts List

#621-630
The sun shining on my face
The pool of water making waves in the parking lot
Being led to join the A Holy Experience Gratitude Community
Meeting a white mom of an adopted black girl seeking me for guidance
Making great headway with laundry
Eating fruit in the bed with Nate and Justus
Justus and Nate attacking me with love
The boys loving going to the playground
Nate asking me to push him high in the swing while Josh swings himself high and Justus says “wee”
God protecting us at the name of Jesus from a car accident that seemed inevitable

Release Control, Create Independence

For a few weeks I had worked with Nate, my 4 year old, on learning to swing on his own. He would recite ‘kick out, pull in” to remind himself to push his legs forward when swinging forward and pull them back when swinging backward. He and I were happy that this catchy phrase would keep his coordination and he would be able to swing apart from my pushing. But he often got tired of pushing, would whine and ask me to push him. Tired of hearing him whine, I often would push him. Nate stopped wanting to try, preferring me to push him instead.

I had done this—made him a swing quitter—with my controlling self. Doing things myself so I don’t have to deal with the hassle of teaching a slow learner or so I know it’ll be right is an issue I’m working on and an issue other recovering strong black women wrestle with. And this is an issue that will work your nerves and overwork your body, constantly challenge your patience and keep you entrenched in pride. We can’t do everything, should not want to do everything, yet the control freak in us cries loud and we heed her cries.

Recently, God reminded me how continually holding the reigns only keeps me in the position of holding the reigns. If I take over the housework, cook without having pupils beside me, withhold assignments from workers and tell those I counsel what they should do instead of what the Bible says then I’m creating a dependence on me and preventing my followers from being self sufficient. We can’t do everything for our children, withhold assignments from our workers or tell our counselees what to do. We can keep the reigns tight, but when we decide we want to let go, our followers won’t be able to steer. And we will be stuck, doing all the work, even when we don’t want to. I thank God for the reminder to release control, remain calm and let others learn what they need to learn so they—not I—can do what needs to be done.

My One Thousand Gifts List

#611-620
Liz saying she could tell Flynn and I are one
Meeting Liz
The diversity at Nichole’s party and witnessing folks’ genuine love for her
Christen helping me every Sunday
Christen supervising the boys during choir practice
The sermon I’ve been waiting for: Pastor Brooks speaking of God wanting to use the arts to reach the unsaved
Fellowship in the sanctuary after church and during New Evangel Members Orientation
Jeremiah’s baby dedication
The sound of Nathaniel eating food he enjoys
Walking Justus in the parking lot at church and him smiling at the wind being on his face