Some places I just don’t go emotionally. For me they are like taking back alley bike rides: They seem convenient but the potential problems keep me from going there. When I was a bundle of nerves and confusion the other week, I knew I needed to rethink my emotional bike ride theory and figure out how to seek and receive a safe path, whether convenient or not. My problem was I just didn’t know HOW to do that. I don’t have a problem being honest with my feelings, but usually when I am most folks don’t know what to do with what I share. As my friend Carla said, even though I am a recovering strong black woman, people see me as having it all together and don’t usually ask if I need any help; they assume I have it all together. So between folks not knowing how to advise me or assuming I don’t need advice and me not knowing how to get help, I don’t get or expect much help. This doesn’t mean I don’t need or want help; I do. After talking with Carla, I understood what recovering strong black women and their friends can do to get them the help they need:
Strong Black Women
Even though you may not have gotten help in the past, you don’t know what your confession may yield you. When I told Carla how I felt, she didn’t have anything to offer me in that moment but later she apologized for not asking me if I were okay. She then gave me permission to interrupt her talking about her so we can talk about me.
If you are like me you may know that you need help but just not sure what you need. If you talk it out, you may discover what you need to ask for.
People who have strong black women as friends take for granted that these friends are supposed to hear all their problems. This is the typical nature of the friendship so you have to speak up for yourself.
They usually are so grateful for all you’ve done for them that they are willing to help you or work hard to get you the help you need.
Friends
Make sure to ask your strong black women friends what they are going through. Don’t assume they have it all together.
After you ask your friends what’s going on, LISTEN to them. We’ve all had people ask us how we are doing and when we’re honest they don’t even acknowledge what we’ve said but go on to the next subject. Don’t do that. Even if you don’t have advice to offer, at least pray for them in that moment.
Let Him show you HOW to help your strong black women friends. Even though they may be the ones who usually dispense the advice, God can use you to help them too.
God means for our relationships to be reciprocal for healing to take place. Let’s do our parts so we can be healed (James 5:16).
How have you been guilty of not seeking or offering help?
Copyright 2011 by Rhonda J. Smith
Oh, the truth is beautiful and like breathing after holding your breath for along time. How we accept the role of invincible just because we are perceived as having it altogether. Is it pride, not being a burden, or the habit of just making do on your own? You should have named this the six steps to not falling apart. Can I purchase these six steps on a fridge magnet?
Abbey, I think we find ourselves falling apart for the many reasons you questioned and more. But we must be honest and request our friends to let us be our full selves so that we can properly cope and live fully. And I’ll have to think about putting the steps on a fridge magnet. Not a bad idea!